The professional me vs the real me

Today, at work training, someone who hadn't met me before expressed genuine surprise that I class myself as an introvert.This is not the first time this has happened but it got me thinking about the different personas I present to the world.

In some settings I can come across confident and self assured but the people who see me here would scarcely recognise me out in the world. When I first started working in my current work place I was nervous. I often am in these settings and I overtalked, Too much talking about nothing in particular out of some need to fill all the silences with words. Then I relaxed as time passed and withdrew more into myself. I talked less and learned more. I eventually reached a point where my confidence in my own abilities and knowledge of the people we supported had grown enough that I started to stand my ground and share my opinions. This is where I am now. Sit me in a training room, a meeting or with any professional that we have to call upon and I can talk clearly and confidently about my working knowledge. However throw me out of these settings and different me emerges. I was conscious of this today when we took our coffee break and I was standing in a room with women I didn't know that well, unsure of where to sit. I awkwardly clutched my coffee cup and half listened to several conversations. Later back in the training room I openly engaged with the women at my table and gave answers to the questions the trainer asked without prompting like a totally different version of myself.

I can't articulate properly why my social awkwardness rears its ugly head only in certain situations. You would only have to have witnessed me at my boyfriend's last event (where I sat at front of house taking in money) sneakily reading my book and glad I wasn't inside were I'd have to present another version of myself. Sometimes in these social situations it feels like the words are too big in my mouth and that I have nothing interesting to offer and perhaps its better if I just fade quietly into the background and no one will even notice me.

I am happy to be out going  in my job in care with my colleagues and with the people I support but I guarantee you I don't dance and sing that much when I am home. Bringing my A game to work when I really want to be quiet and read on my breaks, to retreat into myself and take a few moments in my own head, this is actually exhausting for me, It means I often come home without much to offer my boyfriend because I used up all my social battery before getting in the door.

I don't know why I can be so comfortable in some settings and almost transparent in others but I guess that's another part of the puzzle that is me,