A piece of me


How can you be a writer without any words?
a long list of adjectives and none
adequately describe me.

 I offer slivers of myself online
only showing a side of myself
I deem sociably acceptable

 yet it seems a leap to call myself a writer
in any way, shape or form.

 I am a mass of feelings,
so plentiful they seep from my purse.
wearing more than my heart on my sleeve

 and within I hide this fear of being
fundamentally unlike-able.

 Some days that voice in my ear 
is louder than all the noise outside
and I feel myself drown in my own self doubt.

 imposter syndrome is very real
and I sit patiently waiting to be found out,
unveiled.

 So my boyfriend has gotten some notion into his head that I am some sort of budding poet and has been gently trying to nudge me into doing something with this so called talent while I fight him at every turn. I am nothing if not a realist. He calls this pessimism. Initially I began this blog as a creative writing exercise. I was trying to tap into something around the time I had discovered the writers way. If you have come across it in your travels I am aware it will seem a little airy fairy but its quite a powerful piece of work and I think it changed my outlook on writing for the better. Somehow the blog turned into a sort of journalling of my life and it stands as a record of who I have been since starting it three years ago if nothing else.

 I don't know that it quite qualifies me as a writer because I am constantly reading better stuff both online and published that goes far beyond any sentence I could string together and It makes me feel that while I have this as an outlet, I won't be introducing myself as a writer any time soon. I think part of my problem would be just the quintessential Irish thing of not talking yourself up lest you seem to be up yourself. It's something we all suffer from to some degree but its also this fear that if you imply some degree of talent that you will be setting certain expectations which you will fall far short of. Is it not better to paint yourself as barely literate and then go on to impress people with some degree of articulateness. Mind you that's a vast exaggeration as most people know I suffer from being a grammar nazi so I am unlikely to paint a picture of myself as such. I do on occasion read other blogs and I know there are plenty of great ones out there but besides Headstuff I have yet to stumble upon others that impress me and it leaves me wondering where mine falls in the grand scheme of things.

 Let it stand as some record that I existed and scrawled my thoughts across the world wide web even if I am the only one to read them.

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