Autism and other adventures

 Last year I started up my blog again to explore discovering that I am autistic in my 40's. A massive surprise to mostly just me. I wrote a number of posts exploring the different facets of my experience as a late realised autistic woman and then just promptly disappeared. This is my attempt to catch people up. The reason I have not been writing about my experiences is because I have been experiencing autistic burnout for most of this year and my ability to communicate verbally or at least to articulate myself with the same ease I normally do is one of many skills that has fallen by the wayside. I made the decision this year to step down from a position at work that came with a certain amount of responsibility because I was not coping and stayed on in a relief capacity. Similar job just with less overall commitment. It has thankfully helped a little but working in a stressful job while incredibly burnt out is no joke. It takes most of what I've got each week to show up and assimilate a productive member of society and doesn't leave much for me outside of work. I am struggling with household task and with caring for myself properly. My energy levels are ridiculously low so my free time is comprised of tasks I absolutely have to do followed by naps, reading and watching comfort shows (bar the two weekends a month my boyfriend stays over). I'm still getting to the gym but rarely make it out for walks as without a bucket of caffeine my energy levels start to dip after midday. The life I am living at the moment feels a bit like a half life.

Yesterday I attended a course for work on autism and intellectual disability. As a social care professional this will certainly prove both interesting and beneficial to my work. As an autistic woman I took in this information through a slightly different lens. So I had left work the previous evening feeling dis-regulated, unclear what had happened during the day to deliver this result but I have noted while in burnout this is a far more common occurrence as my tolerance for sensory stimuli and change is much lower than it was before reaching burnout. This dis-regulation meant my sleep was less than optimal and so I entered the course not quite at my baseline. I had a considerable amount of caffeine that morning to offset the exhaustion and this meant the frequency at which I needed the bathroom was on the high side. The course starts and I excuse myself to go pee. No big deal, right. The course goes on and I realise I need the bathroom again. I should be listening to the information being discussed and instead I am thinking about how no one else has gotten up to use the bathroom yet and surely everyone has noticed that I have already up already and will think its really weird if I go again so soon after. This internal debate continues for half an hour until I decide I actually can't wait any longer. Whether anyone noticed or cares remains to be seen. 

The room is slightly too warm and someone opens a window. I should have probably have taken off my jumper, temperature regulation is an area where I know I struggle but my jumper feels safe and warm so I don't. The door to the hallway is slightly ajar and I can't focus because all I can hear is the hiss of the toilet cistern post flush. 

We have a coffee break. I have been feeling like overstimulation has sent me into shutdown so I am still in the room but it is as though I have been listening while underwater. There is a disconnect. On the break I make a cup of herbal tea but cannot face the minutiae of pointless small talk and so I slink back to my seat and read my book.

The course continues. The next speaker up is speaking a little too quietly and I have to focus hard to hear what she is saying. While listening I have to close the door to the hall to  stop sounds leaking in. Through the window I can hear birds, I can hear vehicles coming and going and occasionally I hear the voices of others outside. all of these compete equally for my attention with the voice of the professional teaching the course. we discuss what the auditory experience must be like for an autistic person after watching a video. Everyone tries hard to put themselves in the shoes of an autistic person. Imagine having to experience the world like this, I don't need to imagine. This is my lived experience.

We break for lunch and I go eat in my car. arguably the most anti social option available. I don't have the capacity to mask for the entire day with how I have been feeling so this feels like the safest choice. I eat and watch videos on my phone and then return to the course once the break ends. I get back to my seat and everyone is talking at once. Many different conversations are taking place and too many voices are competing. I am not even part of one of these conversations and I feel overwhelmed so I step outside until the room quietens down.

The course continues on and I try to stay present even though I am aware of all of the different sounds both inside and outside the building, I am feeling a little too warm, I can feel the waistband of my jeans digging into me. Even though I am interested in the topic at hand, sitting and listening without active participation means I am hit with a wave of exhaustion and I am trying not to yawn. 

We have one more break and I sit on a wall and scroll through instagram. I am aware this probably perceived as rude or anti social but I don't have the capacity to convincingly perform any persona bar my work one, that calls for small talk and I am all out of scripts.

The course ends. I have managed to sit through the entire thing without professing to anyone that I am autistic and then having to do an awkward dance around the fact that I am at this moment in time self diagnosed but have done enough extensive research on the topic to feel certain that this is not a label I have claimed lightly.

I drive home, I feel a deep level of exhaustion so the drive is a struggle. I get home and climb into pyjamas. I close the blinds and turn on my lava lamp and other sensory lights. I put on bones (my current comfort watch) and I lie under the covers until I start to feel more regulated. I finish a book and this helps. Reading is my special interest, I have read 16 books already this month.

and the burnout continues. who knows when I will come through the otherside. For now though I am just minding myself and taking each day as it comes .