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I guess in terms of redefining bravery, most people would not list going on a holiday alone but for me it was actually a really big deal. It was more than the sum of its parts. Me packing half my worldly belongings into car and driving into the unknown (okay relatively unknown given that I was going to Wicklow and not Timbuktu). For me it was about reclaiming parts of myself that I felt had been lost down through the years. I think on some level I felt it was something I would manage badly. Like I would stick out as a lone woman traveler and my own social ineptitude would somehow render me incapable of travelling solo. If life has taught me nothing else it is that I am capable of so much more than I would have previously given myself credit for. Also I have come to accept over time that I actively enjoy my own company and its okay to embrace that provided I don't find myself moving into a cabin up a hill with a recently purchased pet goat (I am just not a cat person). With all ...

Do you ever have one of those conversations in which you confess to something totally normal for you and the other person looks at you like you're completely bonkers? This is a reasonably common occurrence for me. I was recently talking to someone about how I occasionally chose an online or self service option if I don't feel up to interacting with someone and I was left wondering if they didn't get it because they are not an introvert or maybe it's just a me thing and I'm a weirdo. I have something I like to refer to as my social battery. It is not a physical thing that I carry around but more a feeling that I have only so much social interaction in me per week and some days I am able for more interaction and others I go far out out of my way to minimize it. For me recharging can involve; time alone to think, reading, watching bad shows, napping or long walks. Without this quality time spent by myself I am especially grouchy and unfriendly and I find it...

I like to say I am fairly new to hiking  but to say that overlooks the fact that I spent much of my childhood being cajoled up mountains around Tipperary. It is only in the last year that I have rediscovered this pursuit and finally realized why my parents were so eager to ensure we got out into the great outdoors. I do enjoy being fit and I find Crossfit helps me nicely in my pursuit of better physical health. I also make an effort to get out for walks, weather allowing, as often as I can, even when I am not really in the mood because fresh air always makes me feel a bit better. I find my renewed interest in hill walking came about when I dared to try it ( a scary proposition at the time as it combined the equally daunting strangers and mountains) and realised I got something I wasn't getting elsewhere in life from the experience. The fresh air, scenery and the way it cleared my head entirely left me feeling recharged and so regatta boots were bought an interest was sparked....

I have a tendency to be a little to introspective for my own good. I spend far more time than is reasonable inside my own head unpicking social encounters, normally in an effort to criticize myself for not handling human interaction better or to make sure I am spending sufficient time cringing at whatever awkward thing I did or said. How long is long enough to berate yourself for awkwardness because I can recall things going back years when required. The other thing I do an awful lot of is examine my own behavior and motivations and try to unravel what shaped them or where exactly they originated. So far I am not really making much decent progress but doesn't seem to discourage me in any way shape or form. This is the kind of stuff that springs to mind each time I have a guy ask how someone who looks like can be single, as though the simple fact that they find me attractive means that someone should have made me their girlfriend by now whether I like it or not. The truth of...

I have had this funny sort of feeling since I moved to Kilkenny and started my new life of singledom that I am sorting of coasting. Only planning on a temporary basis and not making any major footholds in my life. I was recently talking to my sister about how I was feeling somewhat as though I am not really tethered to anything in life. She is much wiser than me and pointed out that I have made major strides in career and Crossfit training in the last year as well as becoming more comfortable in my own company.  While these points are valid, the feeling still persists. I have no real five year plan. I fall upon a free weekend and usually end up doing what I feel like on the day weather depending but no real plans are in place and everything feels a little bit unstructured. So It's not like my life is a raging disaster but I do have this lingering feeling that I could be doing something more. This is when my sister suggested I put together a list of things that I feel I n...

I have recently started attending counselling and I don't feel any shame in admitting this. Although people can be weird about that sort of thing. I recently told someone I didn't know particularly well and they recoiled as though I had divulged I was on my way to an STI clinic. Truthfully this is not my first time to attend counselling and it quite possibly wont be my last and that's okay. I think as someone who admits I need this support, I am doing a lot better than another person who is burying feelings that could be aired out in a safe setting. I have had a number of life experiences in my thirty six years and not all of them have left the sweetest aftertaste. Most of these things are far too personal for me to comfortably talk about in my blog. This is partially down to a fear of confessing too much, also I don't actually know who reads this and then there is always the fear of judgement on me as a person and the life choices I did or did not make that allo...

I don't think I'd ever really been on holidays by myself before and I will admit to being a little bit concerned at the prospect. I had wanted to go away for a few days last year but my ex (then actual boyfriend) was a bit put out at the thought that I might go away without him (even though in truth it was mostly relationship related drama I needed a break from) and persuaded me to go away with him which went as well as you might imagine and we split up two weeks later. So I was worried that I might be bored or lonely if away too long plus I still wanted to get in some training and I had an appointment I couldn't cancel on Thursday morning and then I decided I would have a mini break Thursday to Sunday. I had already cleared with my parents because they own the house I was staying in and I had to make sure they weren't going to be using it.  As I discovered over the few days, I am actually very well equipped to travel alone and I had a lovely and relaxing time. I ...

The first time I can remember really noticing my body as a thing one might like or dislike was in my teens. I was a slim teenager with clear skin, one spot at a time was unusual for me and I will be damned if it wasn't wasted on me because it was only looking back at photos of that time that I realized what I had not then appreciated. Since then my body and lifestyle choices have changed many times. I have had lots of different feelings about how I look and been a number of dress sizes and learned a lot of hard lessons along the way. I used to idealize slimness. It was this ultimate goal and once I arrived in this beautiful place all my problems would go away. I let myself off the hook too many times in not taking responsibility for my own happiness because I believed it couldn't be achieved without a smaller jean size. I think somewhere in my head I remembered being a size 8 at 16 and being happy and I thought all I needed to do was get back there in jean size at least and...

Sometimes you have days where even simple things seem impossible. I think this idea is prevalent in my mind because I am coming to the end of a fortnight of night shifts and I feel like every day has been a bit like this. It is possible however that tiredness is skewing my perception of time. I have said before in my blog that from time to time I suffer from depression which comes and goes (thankfully self managed so I consider myself lucky in that respect) and anxiety is my constant companion to one degree or another. Mostly right now my anxiety is about not getting enough sleep. I think I might just have generalized sleep anxiety while on nights and this ironically keeps me from getting as much sleep as I need post night shift. Now some people can cope admirably on very little sleep but I am definitely not one of them. I fall apart and have been known to lose basic adulting skills like cooking and driving for hours at a time. I don't think I realized quite how much I needed g...

Its safe to say break ups are not my strong point. I haven't actually been in that many relationships and two of them were absolute disasters so its fair to say that when the time came to split with my most recent ex that I didn't have my own good example to follow. The break up had gone relatively well up to a point. I mean obviously in the beginning I was horribly sad and cried a lot and ate more chocolate than should be legal for one woman to consume. But then I moved to Kilkenny and started to find my feet down here. I was exploring the city, attending girlcrew events and just being more active. I mean I was also receiving more dick pics than any woman would want to see online  ( if there in fact is a woman out there who actually requests them) so I suppose while I was enjoying my own space, the big bad world of dating didn't look terribly promising. Then 3 months post split I ran into my ex in Waterford and we started contacting each other again. Even then I knew...

The last few days I've been aware of this background hum of anxiety hiding in the quiet gaps of the day. I can feel it when I'm trying to meditate and when I wake in the middle of the night. One of the most important lessons I have learned in later adulthood is how tp manage my own mental health and of late I have been ticking all the boxes. I have cut back my coffee intake, Im eating almost no refined sugar, I'm doing headspace everyday, I'm training whenever I can and getting as much fresh air as my schedule allows. These are all great things and for the most part they do their bit to keep my mood relatively upbeat and my anxiety at bay. All the same anxiety can creep back in and I do my best to stop it taking over. When I first became aware of it, I poked it tentatively as though it was a physical sore and I wondered what caused it. Am I stressed about work? Am I picking up on someone else's anxious feelings? Have I something to feel sad or worried about? De...

This Sunday I went on my very first proper hike. I had come across a group called The Peaky Climbers online and had been considering asking to join them on a walk for quite a while. I have been enjoying getting more fresh air of late and this seemed like a novel way to spend a Sunday. My mum had loaned me the pricier hiking bits ( boots and proper jacket) and I had cobbled together the rest myself and on Sunday morning(the meeting point) with a very well packed backpack. When I woke that morning to see my car covered in snow I most definitely contemplated making a hot water bottle and hiding beneath my duvet but I knew if I didn't go on this hike then I would never end up going on one (and Id gone and bought a new backpack for the occasion)  Luckily hiking gear is not the usual attire of people shopping in the retail park so it was easy to spot the others I would be joining and I wasn't left awkwardly approaching people and asking if they were a peaky climber. After quick ...

Lately I decided I'd really like to go hill walking. There's a group in Kilkenny that go fairly regularly and really there was nothing stopping me bar a complete lack of experience and proper outdoor wear. So far ( it being only 6 days in) this month is going well for me. Ive gotten in a few nice walks, I've been using headspace regularly, for the most part I'm eating well and I'm getting back into a good gym routine so this seemed like it could be something else to try in my mission to be more active. There's a number of reasons I'd like to try this . My first one is a little ridiculous, the nerd in me is intrigued as to what sort of stats I'll get on my fitbit from such an endeavour. Also Sunday is a bit of nothing day for me. When I'm off I never have much planned and much as I like pottering around the house, it would be nice to have something different to do. Lastly its because I'm discovering I feel better when I get some fresh a...

Could we agree for arguments sake that January has been a free trial month for 2018 and that the new year will really begin in February.  By all accounts for me, January has not been a joyful month. I did not meet it full of hope and promise but more with a quiet dread for the many car related bills I was facing into and through a veil of sugar. Even though sugar has never done me any favours, i seem to be destined to fall off the wagon time and time again and im never the better for it. As well ad this i had a few random night shifts thrown in among my days and my gym attendance had been less than spectacular. I haven't been looking good and I've been feeling even worse and just at the point where I became determined to finally tackle it, I found myself facing into my next fortnight of nights. Anyone who has met me while on night duty knows they turn me into a hot mess. There's really no point in attempting to make major lifestyle changes while on nights because the...