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  Online dating   If online dating were a poem It would be a disappointment   Woman seeking man who sees her worth But mostly finding men who say ‘nice tits’ As though my value lies in the sexualisation of random body parts   Empty interactions Lost in the sea of mind numbing small talk And oh christ is that another dick pic Sir, I did not ask to see junk   Red flags galore And then an occasional spark But no I got ghosted Or let down Or forgotten   And stay unseen Completing myself And waiting for the one Who is is actually worth my time

  so I don't know if this counts as imposter syndrome or if I am alone in this sensation but I often feel as though other adults have their shit figured out and I am just desperately faking it. Hoping to look as though I know what I am doing and that no one discovers that Im 16 going on 39. By that I mean I am currently 38 but I do frequently like the teenage version of myself is still working behind the scenes in this much older bold. what nobody thinks to tell you when you're younger and imagining grown up life is that actually it can be quite tedious and maybe don't be in such a rush to get there. adult life is mostly a mix of bills and obligations. sure you could go out right now and buy a cake and just eat it for the sake of it and then you have to deal with consequences of eating an entire cake which in my case is pretty dire due to my gluten intolerance but I digress. For me the experience of being an adult is a constant balancing act of doing the things I have to do

 So I wrote a spontaneous poem for the first time in forever. I was having a back and forth chat with a guy I'm friendly with and he makes a joke about something and it just triggers me . On one level I'm totally aware that is some kind of banter and I should laugh it off and change the subject to that does not provoke such a strong emotional response but it's like this red.mist descends upon me and I lay into him. I don't know why my reaction is so strong but I know some part of me needed to say what I said and there are some subjects I don't find funny . This is the thing though with triggers. There are some things that trigger me and I'm like oh yeah that makes perfect sense because it relates very closely to my own trauma and there are other things that do not have a bearing on my own life experiences and yet my response is so visceral anyway this post is not for me to deep dive into my psyche but merely to share what I have written . Maybe a poem or maybe j