Naval gazing

I consider myself a fairly normal woman in most respects. I don't know if I'd go so far as to call myself average but I'm close enough. I do however have one or two preoccupations that take up a bit more time than they probably should. The first is my life long quest to up root all of my grey hairs. I don't happen to believe in the old wives tale about removing grey hairs just making more grow. Okay maybe not life long considering I am 32 now and I think I found my first grey hair somewhere in my 20's. Up until quite recently they had been mostly confined to underneath my fringe so not exactly easily visible and yet it still irks me like an itch that cannot be scratched. I have accidentally tweezed an unreasonable amount of good hair while standing in front of the mirror trying to remove that one wiry silver hair that seems to know how to dodge a tweezers. Well it's either that or the the fact that everything is reversed in the mirror so it makes it somewhat difficult to accurately catch that one hair in thousands. Over the last year or so more of these grey hairs have been cropping up and I can't go past a mirror without seeing can I spot them, even going so far as to pin my hair up to see the ones not on show. I can't even tell you how much it bothers me knowing of their existence like hidden proof of my oldness that I can't even deny. Usually I reach a point where I crack and dye my hair to hide them all but I am trying not to destroy it completely so right now I am allowing the dye to grow out and managing this tri colour (brown, reddish and grey) hair with about as much grace as I can muster.

The other niggling concern which is in fact less niggling and more all consuming is the small matter of my stomach, my tummy, my midriff, my fat place. While I am grateful to not be the sort of woman who stores all her fat on her thighs and bum, I am less delighted about the fact that the first place I gain weight is my stomach. I can't remember a time I actually liked how it looked. Mind you I do look back at photos of me at 16 and 17 and think I could kick myself for not appreciating how damn skinny I was back then. Sure I had no muscle tone and I'd have probably died if crossfit was around for me to try but still my stomach was so flat and I didn't even know it. Now I do know it's not realistic to hold myself up to the ideal of a body that hadn't even finished growing yet but luckily for me I don't need to go as far back as my 17 year old self to find unattainable goals. The internet and all forms of modern media are filled with beautiful women with lovely toned bodies flaunting their flat stomachs while I just poke my flabby fat one wishing the muscle I can feel would just show itself already. I went through a phase of looking up fitspiration photos which are supposed to be inspiration to get fitter and I will admit to taking a shine to the odd fitness inspired quote but the majority seemed to be just another way I could feel bad about the body I already have.
I know I have made serious progress and have been ridiculously strict in the diet cutbacks I've made, just as much in an effort to ease the symptoms of my candida as to help push me towards flatstomachatopia (okay so I made that up but if a flat stomach was a place then it would totally be called that) So far I am not seeing the results I desire, I know crossfit is doing me good and obviously I feel better from the diet changes so I don't want to stamp my foot like a petulant toddler and demand to know why am I not skinny yet or the right kind of skinny at least.

I know I have wandered into dangerous waters because they have words for women who obsess somewhat over the nutritional value of their every mouthful and who chase the shadows of skinnier or fitter women. I am smart enough to see that even if I ever reach this golden goal, it probably won't feel as good as I've always hoped. Chances are I wont recognize my destination if I reach it because first I would need to let go of this idea that a flat stomach is the key to my happiness.
At some point I will probably inch closer though and then within my grasp will lie the possibility of wearing midriff bearing tops but naturally I will be far too classy to actually wear them so you will never know.
Me at 17 ( skinny little innocent head on me)
Me tonight (age 32) trying my level best to not suck in my stomach so it looks less bleugh and bloaty. 


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