The adulting problem

 so I don't know if this counts as imposter syndrome or if I am alone in this sensation but I often feel as though other adults have their shit figured out and I am just desperately faking it. Hoping to look as though I know what I am doing and that no one discovers that Im 16 going on 39. By that I mean I am currently 38 but I do frequently like the teenage version of myself is still working behind the scenes in this much older bold.

what nobody thinks to tell you when you're younger and imagining grown up life is that actually it can be quite tedious and maybe don't be in such a rush to get there. adult life is mostly a mix of bills and obligations. sure you could go out right now and buy a cake and just eat it for the sake of it and then you have to deal with consequences of eating an entire cake which in my case is pretty dire due to my gluten intolerance but I digress.

For me the experience of being an adult is a constant balancing act of doing the things I have to do versus doing the things I actually want to do. Like you know paying bills and going to work and dealing with unexpected car disasters without having a complete meltdown rather than napping, buying myself presents because its nice to be nice and binge watching netflix as though my responsibilities don't exist.

I still get annoyed (despite living alone) at having to clean my house again even though I only just cleaned it. Could it not just stay clean. And having to cook dinners and go food shopping when I've only just done those things is incredibly onerous. when we first went into lockdown I developed some very bad spending habits and discovered a multitude of places that would deliver right to my door and with covid restrictions they just threw the packages over the gate so presents for me with no social interaction. That's an introvert win if ever I encountered one.

I mean I don't really have a life plan as such. Do other people have those? or do I just imagine everyone else has their act together and I'm just running behind.

I'm in a job I like but I am not sure how I will progress. I am single and not unhappily so, open to meeting someone but not feeling incomplete with the quality time I am spending by myself. The biological clock remains dormant and my answer to the kids question truly remains I don't know. I don't feel pushed or pulled in either direction and I guess its a topic that I don't feel the need to explore too deeply right now because I'm not involved with anyone and how helpful would it be if I discovered I was very secretly ( has to be a good secret if even I don't know it) baby mad and its beyond my control.

At the end of last year I did however make a move in the right direction in terms of adulting and growing up. My older sister, who is admittedly much better adult than I am, broached the subject of savings specifically in terms of me saving for a deposit on a house. This is definitely something I had given some thought to. specifically after my mum, about a year ago, told me about a documentary she had watched on people rent until they retire and ended up homeless. This had made her think about me which is lovely. It was exactly what I wanted to hear and not at all stress inducing. Not to mention the fact that of her four children, only one of us has a mortgage and yet I was the one who sprung to mind.

I mean I knew it was something I should be planning for at some point in the future but for two big reasons, it was one of things I waylaid for thinking about at a later date. One was that I imagined getting a deposit together as a single woman who is renting would be a mammoth task. Like totally out of my reach so no point in thinking about it. The other major obstacle in my mind is that since I moved to Kilkenny, I pay my rent in cash which means for over 3 years I don't really have evidence I have been paying rent. To me this was an oh well these things mean this is a future Laura problem so I just muddled along and didn't think about it. 

Then my sister brought up this topic so delicately I genuinely thought she was about to stage an intervention. The truth was she wasn't sure how receptive I would be to this topic but it turned out to be excellent timing because once we had talked through my objections it turns out I was more than open to this possibility even if it is mildly terrifying.

A week later I opened a savings account and two months on have made a reasonable start despite Christmas and my car almost blowing up ( the clutch went on St Stephens day and it was stressful and expensive and almost the same thing as blowing up) but now the hard part begins. That is the bit where I need to rethink my entire attitude to spending. I mean I'm an all or nothing time of woman so I think I am off to a good start.

I haven't bought a book or item of clothing or anything that constitutes a present for myself in two months now. I have started to look at my money to see where I can make savings and feeling proud whenever I trot along to the post office to see my balance grow. 

In a few months I'm going to chat to someone in the bank about what steps I should be taking to make this happen to make sure I am on the right track. I mean it will probably take me around two years to get a deposit together but I am excited about being a real grown up and taking this next step.