Chunky thighs and other problems

A funny thing has happened to me lately. I have always had an interest in Crossfit (and by always I mean since I discovered it several years ago because before then I had never even heard of it !) but on some level it was a half hearted flirtation. I would get really into it and then take a sabbatical and eat loads of crap, put on weight and generally feel terrible about myself before crawling back to the gym like a prodigal daughter returned with muttered excuses to explain my absence.

 Since I have moved to Kilkenny that has changed. I felt as though my life in Waterford was stuck in a rut and so many things there made me very unhappy so I promised myself when I moved that it would not be a case of same shit, different city and put some effort into improving my life in various ways. One of the steps I took was tracking down a Crossfit gym and joining before I had fully unpacked even though I balked a little when I realised how much Crossfit actually costs. The gym is 15 mins from my house and the monthly fee is something I can just about afford and both make it much easier for me to turn up and train. 

 I have frequently found myself in the gym parking lot in workout gear even though I am just off a night shift or I have been muttering I don't feel like working out today since my alarm went off because I have finally managed to do the one thing I had never done before which is make working out a proper habit.

 I know in one way this makes me super annoying because I don't shut up about it. I should probably say sorry now to anyone who follows my instagram stories and thinks I live in gym gear seeing as my story is mostly my face and pictures of coffee ( a pretty accurate representation of my life seeing as I clearly don't post from work) and for this I do apologize. I feel that in some way this documenting of my life makes me feel accountable and thus more likely to train on the bad days. 

I have noticed some changes in the last 7 months or so, mostly positive. Overall I look much better than I did last summer. The moon face is no more, the squats are certainly working and I have collar bones again also I have started to write down what I have been able to lift so the next time I hit a new record I will know how impressed I should be. Mostly right now I have a vague sense I am doing better. Seeing as I only started the list yesterday I cant really say a whole lot about progress but I have been super excited to lift some things much heavier than I have ever managed before. I am still working on a seamless way to work this into conversation because I am very excited about this even though no one who doesn't train particularly cares to hear it. A little bit of the joy is lost in telling someone what you managed to power clean, if you need to first demo the move with a sweeping brush so they are not looking at you blankly.

 Here's something people don't tell you about olympic weightlifting is that because most of it is super technical you can usually only focus on the rep in hand and this pushes all other thoughts out of your head which makes it a bit like a kind of meditation so I find it the best remedy to a stressful day.

 The other thing is that as I am getting stronger physically it is making me feel stronger emotionally and this has been a huge thing for me. I have been through a number of things in my 36 years that have made me feel weak and powerless and I feel like for the first time in my life I am finally getting the opportunity to reclaim this part of myself.

 Obviously there are some down sides and that was what I originally planned to write about but even though I am sitting here with a sore throat and muscle pain I am still buzzing a little bit with the excitement of pushing myself in the gym and going beyond my expectations.

 I find that when you are lifting a lot or doing a lot of hanging from a rig (many Crossfit moves require you to do just this) that you start to develop a lot of hand calluses which exactly as sexy as it sounds. Mine have become more prominent of late because I have been training more often and I have been trying my best to combat this with my lovely trilogy hand cream mostly because I find the idea of filling down my calluses ( I have seen people do this so its a thing) unspeakably gross. 

 The other thing I only really observed today is my legs particularly my thighs look chunkier than usual. I was getting changed today when I observed that they look bigger. I know I have strong legs and mostly I embrace this and I guess it makes sense because recently I have been squatting and lunging with heavier weights than I would have previously managed and having a more secure base (i.e. big chunky thighs) helps me to do this but I still can't help feeling a bit cross about it. I mean my stomach mostly feels as soft as pillow (so not exactly bikini ready) because of stupid estrogen and my love affair with sour dough bread and I can't help thinking that it would be really nice if lifting could only make that a bit firmer too ( I know there are muscles in there somewhere) not that any of this will change how I train. 

 I have also observed that men are often a bit threatened by strong women, in pretty much every sense but particularly if you are physically strong. A lot of men would like you to be toned but not actually be able to kick their asses. Because I have been dabbling a bit in online dating in my new found singledom, I have been treated a lot of unsolicited advice on how to be fit but not strong and I do my best to ignore all of it. Those are not men I want to be dating.

 So ill keep doing this for me because the benefits far out weight the chunky thighs and calloused hands and most of the men online aren't really worth my time so its probably no harm if the fact that I lift scares a few of them off.

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