Ghosts of lives past

For a place that was my home for such a long time, Waterford has a strange feel to it. I don't know if I ever really adopted it as a new place I lived or did I just treat it like the various places I rented in my time there, a temporary living space, no point in buying anything too fancy because I wont be there that long.

Its coming up to a year now since I left which also means a year since the break up and I can conclusively say this summer is going better than last even if there are still some feelings attached to both anniversaries. 

For some reason, in the time I have been gone, I have developed a weird aversion to the city. Really I should still have some positive feelings lingering there and coming back should allow me to revisit my favourite haunts and yet I have mostly felt a strong desire to stay away. 

Initially part of it was about avoiding my ex, the break up in its earlier stages was a lot easier when I mostly pretended he didn't exist. Then we had that brief moment of madness last year and hung out again for a while and prompted me to visit twice but it felt strange and wrong and then my ex and I really went our separate ways and I had no real need to go back.

Somewhere in the back of my mind though, I was acutely aware of this aversion and decided a visit was called for and with my nieces in tow we set off. They were both my travelling companions and barrier to any feelings the city might stir up.

Not that it stirred up much in the end. I felt strange being back there as though I didn't belong. It was like trying on a favorite item of clothing that you had outgrown but I am not sure that analogy really works for a city I had long grown tired of. I felt out of place down there, like an impostor.

My overwhelming sense during the visit is that I really wanted to leave and if I hadn't driven all the way down there with company I probably would have been back in my car once I had my coffee with no nobo button to accompany because strangely I couldn't find a stockist in the city. 

But I had children with me who had patiently sat in the car for a day trip they hadn't actually requested and so we went through the motions of a day out in the city. We visited the bookshop I used to work in which has never felt the same for me. I used to love to hang out and browse in there until someone would drag me out and then I worked there for nearly three years and it ruined that sense of awe I had about the place. Now I go in and I can't browse properly, i rarely buy anything and I am overwhelmed by a desire to reorganize the childrens section (old habits die hard) but now a visit to Waterford city feels like an exaggerated version of a trip to my old work place.

I will admit I hurried the day along, my nieces didn't mind. The end goal was a sleep over at my house which they were very excited to get started on because every fibre of my body was telling me to leave, there is nothing for me here.

I guess in some ways its right because I don't leave behind a network of friends or a trail of favorite haunts but merely the discomfort I felt at being there and the feeling that this was place I never belonged.