Anxiety and me

This is hardly the revelation of the century given that I've mentioned it many times before but I have anxiety. Sometimes its pretty bad but mostly its like the hum of the fridge, ever present in the background. Anxiety is a funny beast, I get a little bit anxious telling people I have it because I worry that they are judging me for it and there is nothing so futile as anxiety about anxiety itself.

 I get anxious about work, about things I have said or done or have yet to do or might have to do at some point in the future and things I might have messed up even in other jobs in the past. I over think the shit out of everything and sometimes it even creeps into my dreams which is lousy because you don't get paid extra for having work related dreams.

 I also have social anxiety which is super fun and probably part of the reason (bar my next level introversion) that I like my own company so much. I never say anything hilariously awkward to myself. My social anxiety is there to remind me about every weird and borderline odd thing I have ever said, I seriously have amazing recall about things that other people have probably long forgotten. Sometimes it has me blurting out ridiculous things because I'm trying to fill a silence or make conversation and I'm not so good at small talk. Often it has me hovering at the edge of a conversation saying nothing and appearing rude or unfriendly unsure of what to say lest I incriminate myself with my social ineptitude. And it strikes fear in me when I get invited to a large social occasion when I know I will just infect the room with my own awkwardness and let the whole world know I don't know how to people. Sometimes I feel the fear and do it anyway and end up glad I put myself out there but many times I have found myself out wishing the room was equipped with an escape hatch or that I'd brought a book and could just tuck myself away in the corner of the room unnoticed. 

 Sometimes my anxiety keeps me awake or gives me angry butterflies in my tummy but mostly it simmers at a manageable level and I get by okay. 

I'm doing what I can to manage my stress and anxiety levels and sometimes I forget and over caffeinate while I stress myself into a frenzy which is all kinds of fun for everyone around. The rest of the time I watch bad tv shows (anything fictional with cops/doctors/lawyers) and make puzzles on my phone, I read books, all the books. I train at the gym and spend an hour hoping I don't actually die which is a pleasant change from all the other things my brain chooses to occupy itself with. I go for walks and taking average photos of everything I see, I go hiking when I can and get myself to the sea side whenever I can, I use head space and maximise alone time to put my head back together. 

It is what it is and I'm doing my best to get crowned queen of self care by the end of 2019, I'll let you know how that goes

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