Officially Diagnosed

 

a little over 18 months ago I went on a journey to discover if I was autistic. I did a lot of self exploration, read several books on the topic, watched a lot of content to see if I did indeed relate and even went to talk to a neuro affirming therapist to explore the possibility out loud. The therapist was not able to diagnose me in any officially capacity but she did help me to self diagnose. 

In truth I have been comfortable here, I felt I had done adequate research to be certain my own experiences align with the autism criteria and have comfortably been talking to anyone who will listen about my experiences of being autistic. I feel like there is so much to unpack and to discover about myself and the more I have learned the better I have been able to articulate my own lived experiences and to accommodate myself. I have always had a deep interest in psychology and exploring autism has felt like that on a deeper level. To me it is inherently fascinating but I do need to work on reeling myself in as I appreciate not everyone shares my interest.

For every conversation I have had where the other person has left interested and slightly more educated on how an autistic brain experiences the world, I have had almost as many where the person gives me a sceptical look upon discovering my diagnosis did not happen in a professional capacity, a comment made about how we are all a little bit autistic and maybe something said about how keen people are to self diagnose and if they can all really be autistic. 

While I have been certain I have sufficient evidence to back up my claim, the many hours of research alone are very telling, there is a tiny bit of my brain that felt that maybe I had misunderstood or was perhaps making it up for attention. That makes no sense because if that was true please explain why I am displaying all of these autistic behaviours at home alone. I realised that I had two choices and I could either spend the rest of my life explaining who I am and why my self diagnosis is valid over and over until I die or I could look into exploring this professionally.

I won't lie, cost was a major factor. I 43 so going privately seemed like the best option. I wanted to look at my life as I am living it now and not having to bring my mother to appointment to say if I lined up toys or flapped my hands as a small child. Getting a private autism assessment is very spendy. I had seen a series of videos online from another autistic creator who had gone through the adult autism practice and his overall experience sounded very positive so I told myself that when the time came that I could afford an assessment that is who I wanted to go through.

Then 2025 rolled around and I got a rather nice tax refund and knew instantly how I wanted to spend it. Not on a holiday or new clothes but finding out who I really am.

I first booked myself into one session, with the option of taking up the full collaborative identification at a later date. I was mostly afraid that I'd pay the full price and discover I was in fact mad and perhaps a bit weird for ever thinking I could be autistic and then feel very foolish for starting the process at all. Not to issue a spoiler alert but that did not happen.

I was sent a series of forms to fill in, asking questions about myself and about my experience in relation to different autistic traits. There was also the option to have another form filled in by someone who knew you as a child or by someone who knows you as an adult and I asked my boyfriend to fill in the second one. In the first section the psychologist has taken the information and organised it in such a way that you can see if any of it aligns with autistic traits as per the dsmIV criteria.

It is all done over video call and I was understandably nervous.  Thankfully my psychologist was lovely and we went through the autism traits by section giving me the opportunity to elaborate or clarify on what I had answered in my intake form. an hour is not really that long so we only got through one or two sessions before we had to wrap things up but I was told so far that my experiences were aligning with the autism criteria we had discussed.

While waiting on the next session I had the opportunity to review the information I had given and to provide supplementary information relevant to the next session. at the time of writing I still have one last session to go.

During the next session we get to discuss the things we hadn't gotten to in our first call and I get to expand on a number of things including my passions, stims that I have ( include physical things like twirling my hair or biting my lip and verbal stims like repetition of phrases or singing little songs among others) and my sensory issues of which there are many. It is a productive session and at the end she lets me know she will be confirming my autism diagnosis. I respond appropriately by bursting into tears. I didn't realise how much I needed to hear that until I did. The final session will be providing me with documentation, talking about what this means for me and providing me with resources.

It feels like a big deal. My sister joked upon telling her that it was the worst kept secret in the family which probably would have been a lot funnier if I had any inkling that I might be autistic before my 40s, it would have been nice if someone had got around to telling me.