Worrying about worrying


On my last night of decent sleep before I descend into night duty induced fog, I'm preparing myself in many ways. One of the least helpful things I'm doing is feeling pre anxious because the greatest knock on effect for me when I'm robbed of decent sleep is that my anxiety levels sky rocket. I worry a lot of about how much sleep I'm getting or not getting to the extent that I often find it hard to get my daytime sleep because I've effectively worried myself out of it. I'm a smart woman so I know this is not a helpful impulse and yet here I am.

 I have had this generalised anxiety for as long as I can remember but it moved from a backround hum to a noticeable simmer several years ago after coming out of a very challenging and controlling relationship. It left its mark on me as clearly as though I had been branded by the experience.

 This is not to say I've stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would just go away on its own if I didn't actually acknowledge it. I've done many things in the last few years to get to grips with it. I've had counselling which was all kinds of helpful.
I've quit drinking, there's no anxiety quite like sleep deprived, hungover anxiety and I don't miss it.
I exercise more ( CrossFit for the win) and get fresh air whenever I can. I periodically cut out sugar and coffee. I'm taking CBD oil and I do headspace meditations.

 Sometimes these things help and sometimes they just about keep the floodgates closed. I know where this new anxious stream is coming from. I'm dreading how I'm going to feel without sleep and unwittingly making myself suffer twice. Once by worrying myself silly before I even start and twice by actually experiencing it. My anxiety has no time for logic.

 And so as this fortnight of night duty begins ( 7 out 14 nights ) I promise to be gentle with myself. To rest when I can or sleep if I'm able. To not make any major life decisions while my brain is too tired and working against me. And maybe a Stern talking to when I feel the melodrama kicking. After all it's been 4 years and I've yet to actually die from lack of sleep 
Anxiety 

Always there like my heartbeat,
I can feel it waiting,
Telling me bad things will happen
And sometimes causing them in a semi ironic catch 22.

I can worry for days,
Worry myself awake and
Then
Worry I'm not sleeping.
Worry I'm worrying too much
Or not enough
And the bad things will happen
While my guard is down

A constant companion
The worst kind of friend
Whispering in my ear
Telling me I'll never amount to anything.

Don't worry, try not to overthink it
Well wishers say as they attempt to stick a band aid on a gaping wound.
And my brain thinks loudly
Like a ticking clock
Deep into the night


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