Breaking up is hard to do

If you're happily coupled up then perhaps you've had the luxury of forgetting this but dating as an adult is bloody hard to do. When I was a teenager and I was awkward as fuck, I spent far too much time worrying if the guy I liked, liked me back and I remember thinking how much easier it would be when I sailed into adulthood but oh boy was I wrong. It's still messy and emotional and I still feel like a teenager in disguise ( in a much older body ) hoping to not get found out. Like some crap version of 13 going on 30 ( 37 in my case ) except there's no ridey love interest for my past for me to end up with.

 My last break up was hard but necessary and in the two years following it I did a lot of work getting to know myself outside a relationship. I discovered how much I enjoy my own company and developed a spontaneous, adventurous side I didn't know I had. 

 I travelled, got into hiking and just really relaxed in my own company. It was pretty great. During this time I was dabbling in the world of online dating but not really committing myself to it because pickings were slim and I really didn't want to give up any of the time I'd been dedicating to myself. I also did a lot of work on myself. My track record with relationships hasn't been great and I wanted to make sure once dating again that it was someone worth my time. 

 Anyway I finally reached a point where I was open to meeting someone and I thought I had. No obvious red flags and appeared to be an upgrade on the last guy I'd dated. Somehow unknowingly I glossed over all the signs that he wasn't right for me because sometimes the idea of being with someone is a little intoxicating and admitting I was wrong would involve giving it up. The anxiety I felt most of the time should have been a giant warning sign. I mostly chalked it up to my own insecurity and worried that things would end just because I'd spent so much time stressing about it like a self fulfilling prophecy. 

 Long story short, sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be just an idiot in tinfoil.

 And weirdly once I ended things I felt sad and Angry about how things had gone but the anxiety evaporated making me realise I was probably wasn't crazy. At some point I'll probably be ready to join the dating merry go round again but for now I'll be busy reminding myself how happy I was in myself before I let some guy make me question my own worth.  


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out....
Read more

How long does it take to learn to drive?

Image
I remember my nieces a year or so back asking me in an incredulous tone how long it takes to learn to drive because for as long as they could remember I had L plates on my car. The answer in my case is four years. Admittedly I probably could have gotten my full licence sooner if I hadn't been so hesitant to do my test in the three years that have passed since my last attempt. I get very anxious during tests or Interviews and so do not perform particularly well at either. I will put that in my list of things I need to work on in the new year. In time since I have learned to drive I feel I have accomplished a lot and yet I will go out of my way to avoid having to parallel park because I feel like its always going to be my Achilles heel. At least I have come a long way from the days when I used to feel anxious about getting into my car and was likely to bunny hop across roundabouts in third gear. The problem with learning to drive is that the older you do the harder it is and...
Read more

Burnout: the sequel

Image
  I am burnt out. Hardly the most shocking declaration given I have been saying it out loud for a while now but here we are. This isn't my first run in with burn out nor will it likely be my last. Not only am I working in a stressful job, a social care worker in residential care, which is no stranger to burn out but also I am autistic so its like I know a secret short cut to getting there. I think as bragging goes this is up there with declaring how many times I have managed to catch covid. Which is 4 at my current count and they say there are no benefits to working in Health care. If you are lucky enough to not have experienced burnout then I can tell you its not an experience I would recommend to a friend. If you have friends working in social care then you probably wont need to.  Some of the things I have been experiencing are random bouts of crying. Given high sensitivity is part of my autism profile, I am no stranger to crying and the first time I experienced burnout it t...
Read more