Breaking up is hard to do

If you're happily coupled up then perhaps you've had the luxury of forgetting this but dating as an adult is bloody hard to do. When I was a teenager and I was awkward as fuck, I spent far too much time worrying if the guy I liked, liked me back and I remember thinking how much easier it would be when I sailed into adulthood but oh boy was I wrong. It's still messy and emotional and I still feel like a teenager in disguise ( in a much older body ) hoping to not get found out. Like some crap version of 13 going on 30 ( 37 in my case ) except there's no ridey love interest for my past for me to end up with.

 My last break up was hard but necessary and in the two years following it I did a lot of work getting to know myself outside a relationship. I discovered how much I enjoy my own company and developed a spontaneous, adventurous side I didn't know I had. 

 I travelled, got into hiking and just really relaxed in my own company. It was pretty great. During this time I was dabbling in the world of online dating but not really committing myself to it because pickings were slim and I really didn't want to give up any of the time I'd been dedicating to myself. I also did a lot of work on myself. My track record with relationships hasn't been great and I wanted to make sure once dating again that it was someone worth my time. 

 Anyway I finally reached a point where I was open to meeting someone and I thought I had. No obvious red flags and appeared to be an upgrade on the last guy I'd dated. Somehow unknowingly I glossed over all the signs that he wasn't right for me because sometimes the idea of being with someone is a little intoxicating and admitting I was wrong would involve giving it up. The anxiety I felt most of the time should have been a giant warning sign. I mostly chalked it up to my own insecurity and worried that things would end just because I'd spent so much time stressing about it like a self fulfilling prophecy. 

 Long story short, sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be just an idiot in tinfoil.

 And weirdly once I ended things I felt sad and Angry about how things had gone but the anxiety evaporated making me realise I was probably wasn't crazy. At some point I'll probably be ready to join the dating merry go round again but for now I'll be busy reminding myself how happy I was in myself before I let some guy make me question my own worth.  


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