So you've been diagnosed Autistic, now what

 

Today my psychologist officially confirmed my autism diagnosis, documentation to follow. I know this should not feel like a momentous occasion given she had verbally told me last week but it was. I was pretty certain that's what I had been told last week but there was a really small part of my brain that thought maybe I had misunderstood. Perhaps she had in fact said that she would be confirming 'if' I was autistic and I heard what I wanted to hear. a lifetime of misunderstandings in communication will leave a girl doubting herself.

I will be getting a letter confirming my diagnosis plus another that goes into more details plus something for my doctor, my dentist and my full report. We discussed work place accommodations but I left off that letter for now. It felt a lot of it didn't really fit for my place of work.

In many ways my work place accommodates me in ways other places don't; I can bring in stim toys or chewellry and not really have to explain much, we don't wear a uniform so I can dress comfortably, no one minds much if I am not great at small talk or consistent eye contact. Then in others it overwhelms me in ways that cannot be healthy. There is a lot of change within the work place, no actual breaks on shift, the constant managing of others needs and so much sensory input. It is unusual to not finish a shift feeling completely disregulated. So much of my free time is spent recovering from work and I know that can't be good or healthy. Acknowledging I am autistic does mean accepting this is not an environment I am thriving in and I will do something about it I swear, as soon as I come up with a better alternative. 

I came away from my final session feeling a bit overstimulated. There was an awful lot of information to take in and I think that was a lot for my brain to process. Thankfully I will get it all in writing so I can peruse it all at my leisure. Also at the time of the call there were two very buzzy flies in my room, it was a little too warm and my stomach wasn't doing great, all of which affected my ability to stay present in the video call.

It was also mildly disappointing that the culmination of this piece of work was just some official documentation.  I had been hoping for a badge or a hat or maybe even just a selection of business cards announcing I am autistic that I can hand out whenever I have an awkward interaction and I am always just moments away from my next awkward interaction. Perhaps I can just settle for having professional autistic underneath my email signature.

as for what this means for my life going forward, well that I am still figuring out

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