Crybaby


 As long as I can remember I have been someone very quick to cry. It is said that as a small child I cried so frequently that it was of note if a whole day went by without me crying over something and often I was teased about this fact and it was enough to prompt tears.

Being someone who cries very easily is largely quite inconvenient. It would probably be easier at this point to list things that don't make me cry because it would definitely be shorter than the list of things that do. This list is not exhaustive but things I have noticed make me cry include ; any sort of emotional video or advert or tv show or book, anyone crying near me, any form of confrontation, if I am very stressed, If I am feeling angry, if I am feeling sad, criticism particularly when it is not offset by anything positive, someone saying oh you're not going to cry are you.

This has led to moments of great embarrassment such as the many times I have cried in work or in public or just at moments where I would definitely prefer not to be crying. When I am trying to explain myself but I end up crying so much that anything I say gets written off because I am too emotional. I truly wish it had an off switch or an option to delay the crying but unfortunately there doesn't appear to be.

This is always something I had felt to be a character flaw and felt a degree of shame about. How can I expect to be viewed as a competent adult when I am loudly sobbing the corner or almost worse, doing the wobbly pre cry look and not making eye contact with anyone lest they set me off. 

However I have been on a bit of voyage of self discovery and realised that I am empathetic and highly sensitive and these are both two of the ways in which my autism manifests (if you want to know the others feel free to read my other blog posts, I literally haven't shut up talking about it since realising I am autistic) 

I also realised that my meltdowns come in the form of bouts of uncontrollable crying and it's no wonder it took me so long to realise I am autistic when I genuinely no idea a meltdown could present that way. Also I was so busy crying about everything, who was I to figure out these pretty intense bursts actually were something else. 

I am starting to make my peace with it. Being hyper sensitive and easily prone to tears is just part of who I am. I just need everyone else to get on board. I really cant help it so please don't give me a hard time and for the love of all that is holy, please don't pass comment if you spot I am clearly on the verge of tears because that will surely push me off the precipice from almost crying to hot mess and that my friend will be on you. 

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