Accomodate me


 Ever since I have had the realisation that I am autistic I have been crying out for just the tiniest bit of accomodation. I am finding despite the fact I talk about my experiences quite openly, the allistic people in my life can't quite grasp how being autistic might make my experience of the world any different.

Despite the fact that the road to self discovery took me 41 years, I have always been autistic. I have always processed the world differently and struggled with certain aspects of day to day life. I just hid it a little better. That process in itself is exhausting.

So the aha moment was a little like someone put on a light when I had been busy squinting into the darkness and I do really wish I had made this discovery a bit earlier in my life but it is what it is.

Everything makes more sense now but things are also a lot harder. The initial discovery period is an absolute trip. I am so much more aware of the way being out in the world affects me and I am also not making as much of an effort to mask all my autistic traits. So if you think I have been a little weirder of late or more direct that is why.

After a long time of living behind a mask, it gets pretty uncomfy and now its time to breathe. However this means several things for me. I have capacity to take on less both in work and my personal life, I am so so very exhausted most of the time, I am overwhelmed and often on the verge of tears, my tolerance for loud or crowed environments is much lower, my social battery is almost non existent and I need a lot of recovery in quiet spaces. 

Now I know that I will never return to my fully masked, totally oblivious pre autistic realisation self but also that I will learn to adjust and accomodate myself and find some happy ground between there and where I am right now which is mostly trying to get through a whole week without a melt down. Right now though I am in the eye of the storm and please just bear with me until normal services resume. I need a minute.

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