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  a little over 18 months ago I went on a journey to discover if I was autistic. I did a lot of self exploration, read several books on the topic, watched a lot of content to see if I did indeed relate and even went to talk to a neuro affirming therapist to explore the possibility out loud. The therapist was not able to diagnose me in any officially capacity but she did help me to self diagnose.  In truth I have been comfortable here, I felt I had done adequate research to be certain my own experiences align with the autism criteria and have comfortably been talking to anyone who will listen about my experiences of being autistic. I feel like there is so much to unpack and to discover about myself and the more I have learned the better I have been able to articulate my own lived experiences and to accommodate myself. I have always had a deep interest in psychology and exploring autism has felt like that on a deeper level. To me it is inherently fascinating but I do need to wor...

  Last year I started up my blog again to explore discovering that I am autistic in my 40's. A massive surprise to mostly just me. I wrote a number of posts exploring the different facets of my experience as a late realised autistic woman and then just promptly disappeared. This is my attempt to catch people up. The reason I have not been writing about my experiences is because I have been experiencing autistic burnout for most of this year and my ability to communicate verbally or at least to articulate myself with the same ease I normally do is one of many skills that has fallen by the wayside. I made the decision this year to step down from a position at work that came with a certain amount of responsibility because I was not coping and stayed on in a relief capacity. Similar job just with less overall commitment. It has thankfully helped a little but working in a stressful job while incredibly burnt out is no joke. It takes most of what I've got each week to show up and ass...

  I am burnt out. Hardly the most shocking declaration given I have been saying it out loud for a while now but here we are. This isn't my first run in with burn out nor will it likely be my last. Not only am I working in a stressful job, a social care worker in residential care, which is no stranger to burn out but also I am autistic so its like I know a secret short cut to getting there. I think as bragging goes this is up there with declaring how many times I have managed to catch covid. Which is 4 at my current count and they say there are no benefits to working in Health care. If you are lucky enough to not have experienced burnout then I can tell you its not an experience I would recommend to a friend. If you have friends working in social care then you probably wont need to.  Some of the things I have been experiencing are random bouts of crying. Given high sensitivity is part of my autism profile, I am no stranger to crying and the first time I experienced burnout it t...

  I am readying myself for a return to work after just over a week off and I am feeling a quiet sense of dread. Unfortunately one of the realisations I have had along my autism journey is that the vocation I have chosen probably isn't for me. The thing I hear the most is that I am in fact really good at my job (social care worker working with adults with intellectual disabilities in a residential setting) and I don't dispute this fact. I am good at it and I am passionate about it and in many ways my autistic traits are a big part of what makes me good at what I do but at the same time these traits are also my downfall in this line work.  I am incredibly empathetic. This has been excellent in terms of relating to those I support and anticipating their needs. It allows me to put myself in another persons shoes with ease and allows me to build connections where others might struggle. In every job I have had in this field I have built really strong relationships with those I have ...

  For some reason I felt compelled to write about a corner of my past that hasn't been part of my blog before. a heads up to anyone who might be upset by this topic I will be delving into emotional abuse so feel free to stop reading now if you don't feel able to carry on. When I was in my late 20's I met a guy on a night out. He was a few years younger than me and honestly looking back threw up a couple of red flags early but I didn't trust my own intuition plus I was only a few months away from finishing college and planned to move to Edinburgh in a few months so it wasn't like it was going to be anything more than a brief fling. However as time went on I became more infatuated with him, there was an intensity there and he seemed sweet but damaged. Like a perfect modern fairytale I thought I would be the one to fix him. somehow plans changed and he was going to follow me over to Edinburgh, get a job there and we were going to live happily ever after. at this point ...

  Ever since I have had the realisation that I am autistic I have been crying out for just the tiniest bit of accomodation. I am finding despite the fact I talk about my experiences quite openly, the allistic people in my life can't quite grasp how being autistic might make my experience of the world any different. Despite the fact that the road to self discovery took me 41 years, I have always been autistic. I have always processed the world differently and struggled with certain aspects of day to day life. I just hid it a little better. That process in itself is exhausting. So the aha moment was a little like someone put on a light when I had been busy squinting into the darkness and I do really wish I had made this discovery a bit earlier in my life but it is what it is. Everything makes more sense now but things are also a lot harder. The initial discovery period is an absolute trip. I am so much more aware of the way being out in the world affects me and I am also not making a...