Full time vegetarian, reluctant pescetarian

Tonight I sat down to a dinner of Steamed hake (with butter and lemon), baby potatoes, green-beans, mange-tout and brocolli. As I was forcing myself to eat mouthfuls of hake (which I had only bought after giving myself a stern talking to regarding my protein intake), I couldn't help but marvel on the ridiculousness of this whole situation. To be fair if I was still my old lazy, regular, vegetarian self then my protein intake would not be a major concern. I would probably find some form of supplement that makes up for what my diet is lacking and add it to my collection of other supplements I take in a cacophony of nutrition every morning with breakfast. 

Now that I crossfit ( even though it's part time, when I can sort of crossfitting) my protein intake has taken on a new importance. I want to get better and stronger and not spend every post crossfit class day wishing that I had a chair lift to get out of my apartment so I wasn't forced to walk down three flights of stairs when each step is agony. I know that if I don't feed my body protein it will be slow to recover and  I will pay for that in wincing steps but I also know I think fish is gross and fishy. I may have also found myself yelling ewww ewww ewww when I had to pull a bone from my fish mid dinner. Yes, it was a tiny, skinny, barely noticeable bone but it was a reminder that I didn't want that my dinner was previously a living thing.

I know upon hearing that you will only be too ready to imagine me as some sort of animal rights activist type that lectures others on eating meat because it's murder or some such thing but funnily enough that kind of stuff has nothing to do with why I'm vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian for pretty much the same reason I would call myself a Roman Catholic (however lapsed) I might be, I was brought up that way and I didn't know any better. It was a dietary choice my parents made as was the choice to bring us all up as vegetarians. Given my propensity growing up to eat crap, it was probably a blessing. 

So even though I don't eat meat because I don't find it appealing and it's not like I'm missing out given that I've never really eaten much of it, I do still get squeamish about how animals go from living to dinner but only in the same way I am squeamish about gore in movies. I don't like looking at the blood or the bones and as well as the feeling I have that I wouldn't enjoy most meat  ( and I have sampled bits and pieces over the years mostly surmising that  it tastes salty and chewy), I feel a bit unsettled with the idea that it's a living thing. I had to avert my eyes when my boyfriend pried the bone out of his duck at dinner the other night.
He's a prolific meat eater and this doesn't bother me or offend me and sometimes I even cook him things using meat and have lived to tell the tale. Plus I haven't poisoned him which is always a plus.

I just spent a whole week feeling entirely wiped out and it wasn't fun which is what forced my hand on the whole fish issue. I manned up and bought some fish and I am going to try and continue eating it, I hear that buying it alone does little for your health. 
The other night I contemplated eating chicken. Okay so it was mostly out of desperation because I couldn't find anything on the early bird menu I would willingly eat and I was too embarrassed to ask about vegetarian options. There's a chance I might have liked the chicken, if it was done right but I am not sure  I could have gotten over the notion that I was eating something that used to be a living bird and I know for sure I'd have lost any chance of eating it if there was even a trace of bone.

For now I'll remain a full time vegetarian, sometimes pescetarian and maybe in time I'll be able to drop the reluctant part.