Down the rabbit hole

With my trip to Belgium looming ever closer, I spent part of tonight researching things we might do on our few days over there. This led to me reminiscing about my last trip to Belgium with college 5 years ago. I then found myself going online to find pictures of my last trip to Belgium and realised I don't have a whole lot with me in them. A few years back I went through a phase of abject horror at my colleges photos in which I look very fat or drunk (ie most of my college photos) and purged them from my Facebook. Sadly I did not take all of those photos myself so I could only untag myself from the ones friends had taken and sit uneasy with the thought that these photos are out there for anyone to see. 

My desire to remember Belgium led to me going on to a friends page and trawling through her photos of Belgium  and then marvelling at how terrible I looked in all of them. I found that so terribly enjoyable that I had a look at some other college era photos and wincing at how truly awful I looked. I was half tempted to print some off and stick them up around my kitchen lest I ever forget. Admittedly there is the odd flattering photo of me during those four years but to find them you would need to wade through hundreds of photos of me with many chins and poor taste in clothing. 

I am not sure what about it bothers me more, the fact that I looked the way I did or that at the time I really didn't realise how bad I looked and clearly I had no clue how to dress for my body shape. To be fair it is harder when your body shape is round. The other startling observation I had during this slideshow of horror is how terrible I look when drunk. Maybe I don't look so bad after a few drinks but then college drunk is a different beast altogether from adult drunk.

I would love to somehow cleanse all the unsavoury images of me from the internet if not the minds of those who have seen them but short of harassing friends and tracking down acquaintances, I am not sure how I'd go about it. 

While its obviously uncomfortable for me to see myself like that, with the hindsight of someone who has grown up somewhat and started treating her body better. I think on another level that I should not entirely forget the years where I looked like a fat knacker because otherwise what's to stop me ending up back there again. I have only recently returned to Crossfit after a long stint away and I could see the weight creeping back up during that time.

One thing I know for certain is that this trip to Belgium will be different than my last. There will be no waffles or beer, no giant earrings and a whole lot less of me.

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