My imaginary love life

In some ways I feel like I have been single a really long time and in others it feels like its only been weeks (without the feeling really sad part that would follow such a reality) but the truth is it's been nine months. I did actually have to count because I haven't been keeping track. When I first split from my ex I thought I had cracked the break up formula with a distraction technique so within weeks of the split I was set up on a dating site and flirting my little heart out. Who knows what I thought I was doing because I certainly wasn't ready to start dating again at that point. I don't think I need to argue my case when I have already admitted to taking up with my ex again when we first ran into each-other post break up. Then continuing to see him on a casual basis for about 3 months until I could no longer deny it was a very silly idea.

 That was back in January and since then I have dusted off my dating profile and updated the info and photos as relevant. I found on my second run at online dating (since the end of this particular relationship, I had dabbled previously at other points when single and not ended up murdered) that the messages I have received have certainly been less obscene ( perhaps the perverts are actually taking the time to read my bio and are being deterred by same) which is always a plus. Although I am still getting plenty with horrific spelling which I'm sorry but that's as much of deal breaker as an invite to casual fun ( they never even ask what I like to do for fun, which is quite rude) and some have even been engaging. I have on occasion given out my phone number. I am more likely to give out my snap chat and this has all been fine and entertaining. The issue comes with when I get asked out and suddenly I find I am the busiest of bees. 

 I realized I had become so good at making excuses for why I couldn't meet someone. If they lived in another county or if I had plans that day or I just didn't really feel like talking to a stranger (this is a common occurrence) and I realized I have turned down virtually every date I have been asked on (there have been a few) or else agreed and later cancelled and it caused to me to pause for a moment and be honest about what was really going on here. 

 When I did sit down to think about it I was able to admit that I like the compliments (unless they get too complimenty and then I get weird and uncomfortable) and the flirtation and even just having someone to chat to but in the last nine months of singleness I have been focusing a lot more on me and my needs and interests. 

 With more training (and kind of becoming a bad ass in the process) and some hiking and constant pushing of my boundaries plus a lot more self care. Admitting to myself when I am exhausted or stressed or totally peopled out and dealing with that accordingly by taking the time to sleep or relax and just be by myself.

 In the four years I spent being someone's girfriend, yea sure we had some good times and there are definitely positive memories but a lot of the time I felt a bit compromised. My ex was a lot more sociable than me so there was plenty of time spent with me trying to be someone else and feeling exhausted and annoyed at all the expectations put upon me.

 I suppose there are some things I do miss about being with someone like the company and having someone to go on day trips with and the affection and what not but not enough to give up a part of myself.

 So maybe some day in the not too distant future someone might persuade me to give up on my one woman quest to do whatever the hell I want but for now I think I'll enjoy my freedom and keep my love life imaginary. 

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