Unravelling Laura

I have a tendency to be a little to introspective for my own good. I spend far more time than is reasonable inside my own head unpicking social encounters, normally in an effort to criticize myself for not handling human interaction better or to make sure I am spending sufficient time cringing at whatever awkward thing I did or said. How long is long enough to berate yourself for awkwardness because I can recall things going back years when required.

 The other thing I do an awful lot of is examine my own behavior and motivations and try to unravel what shaped them or where exactly they originated. So far I am not really making much decent progress but doesn't seem to discourage me in any way shape or form.

 This is the kind of stuff that springs to mind each time I have a guy ask how someone who looks like can be single, as though the simple fact that they find me attractive means that someone should have made me their girlfriend by now whether I like it or not.

 The truth of course is a bit more complicated than that. Firstly being in a relationship is not always the greatest thing in the world. Obviously I have a pretty terrible relationship history as these things go so I am not predisposed to look upon these things favorably and also I often forget while Im very immersed in singledom that when I start to properly like someone that all my insecurities bubble to the surface and I tend to drive myself a little mad.

 Secondly, based on my own experiences with a multitude of dating sites, my options for dating haven't been all that amazing. I don't have a particular list of criteria that a guy needs to meet in order for me to want to date him and yet I'd find my schedule to be pretty tricky whenever someone asked me out. I believe my own inability to shuffle anything in my life around is probably my gut telling me I'm not actually all that interested in the guy in question.

 Lastly of course is me and the emotional baggage I am dragging with me. You know when someone jokingly asks what's wrong with you and I feel like asking if they would like to tell them alphabetically or in chronological order.

 Okay well maybe my own stuff is not as bad as I have been letting on but there are definitely some issues around self esteem and intimacy that could do with being addressed. 

 Truth be told, I'm not sure how much good I am actually doing in my head. The world is not being put to rights. Nothing is actually getting fixed and I am not so much unravelling Laura as just unravelling. I think at best I am coming up with some pretty decent things to dig deeper on in future counselling sessions and at worst I am just driving myself a little crazy.

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