Help, I think I'm autistic

 So I, at the age of 41, have come to the realization that I am autistic. 

Growing up I always had a feeling something about me was a little bit off. I never quite fit in and I wasn't sure why. It was like everyone had been given a book of rules of how to exist in society but no one had thought to hand me a copy.

Looking back with hindsight the signs were there. I was a super sensitive kid, a sensitivity I have not lost in adulthood, I cried very easily and felt every emotion very deeply. I was a picky eater and very particular about the textures of different food. I was very sensitive to light and noise and the feel of different fabrics. I was never a hugger. all of these things are as true about me now as they were when I was younger. I am socially awkward, I don't make friends that easily and will joke I am an acquired taste. Eye contact is something I have to actively work on and small talk feels like torture. 

I thrive on alone time, I am incredibly sensitive to the moods of those around me and the energy other people give off. Ever since I learned to read I have been known to disappear into a book. I will often read a book in one sitting and it's not unusual for me to read 3 or 4 in any given week.  If something interests me I will read about it extensively and retain that information, sometimes sharing it with someone who clearly didn't ask. 

I have spent a really long time trying to make sense of who I am and why I experience life the way I do. I have been seeking a label to give myself context.

Many years ago I found literature on introverts and read any book I could find on that and yes I am an introvert. However not everything I experience can be attributed to that. Then I came across the information about highly sensitive people online and I ticked every one of the boxes and I thought this is it. 

I didn't think any more about it until recently, I had been seeing a certain amount of content online by autistic creators and I was mostly watching out of interest because of autistic people in my life and it's good to learn about life from other perspectives, right? Its worth adding that at this point that I had done one or two of those online tests for autism and gotten the result of showing some autistic traits but had not thought much of it. 

Until I came across a video talking about how highly sensitive person was just another name for an autism profile, said to be more palatable than autistic as a label. Apparently the lady who had developed the definition had based her work on observations around her nephews who were later diagnosed autistic. 

Obviously I didn't see this one video by a lay person and declare myself autistic but it did send me down a whole research rabbit hole.

I watched a lot more content, I read some articles, I read some books and started to seriously question if I could be autistic. I reached out to a therapist who provided neuro affirming care and booked in to see her so I could explore this in a therapeutic setting and then I sat down to compile evidence that may suggest I was autistic. I arrived at my appointment armed with 4 pages of examples of experiences I had or behaviors I displayed which may suggest autism and I now appreciate this was an incredibly autistic thing to do.

From conversations with my therapist we have established that I am autistic although I have not yet pursued an official diagnosis. 

Neurotypical people do not generally spend many hours researching if they could be autistic. 

I think a lot of the reasons it took me so long to realize that I was autistic was down to masking, to the uninitiated that's the automatic hiding of autistic traits in order to fit in and its a behavior many undiagnosed autistics are socialized into at a young age, I have been doing it unconsciously for so long now it's hard to drop the mask but it takes its toll and accounts for the feeling of exhaustion I have almost all the time. 

To date I have attended many counselling sessions where we are unpicking my life and putting it back together in the context of autism, I have watched literal hours of content from other autistic women who are largely echoing my lived experience and read five different books on autism in adults. 

And I have also been exploring ways to make accommodations for myself; I have bought magnets and squeezy toys as fidgets, I bought my first piece of chew-able jewelry, a light that projects onto my ceiling, a weighted plushie that goes well with my weighted blanket, some loop ear plugs for when I need to filter out noise and over the ear earphones for when I want to listen to something out and about. I am cutting myself a lot of slack and resting when I need to and trying my best to not take too much on. That's all I can really do while I figure all this out