This flawed woman

Like any woman or person for that matter, I have parts of myself I am not proud of. I have shadows in my past and I know this is part of what makes me human. As someone dating I know that the general idea is to sell yourself but Im a pretty rubbish bragger and there's a reason I wasn't cut out for sales. I've always been a little more comfortable putting myself down (mainly through the medium of sarcasm and self depreciation). I suppose I'm getting better in measuring my own self worth but I could still throw together a list real quick of things that might make me less appealing to a potential partner.

Now I've been going through a fairly introspective stage, more so than normal which is really saying something. So every so often I have a particular thought and rather than skipping over it like the Laura of old, I pause and wonder what it actually means. I suppose I can probably blame counselling for that particular habit. Not that blame is the appropriate word as such as in order to grow as a person, I need to be aware of my destructive behaviours/thought patterns if there's any hope of changing them.

Anyway I was recently coming the end of a casual dalliance with a gentlemen friend (something with zero potential of becoming more) and I had the sudden realization that every time I saw this guy I would blurt out some anecdote that showed me in an unflattering light. There were times when I heard myself talking as though I was listening to someone else and I'd think, shut up Laura, this story does not depict you well and I'd keep going. Now it would be very easy to blame on the fact that this guy happened to be a good listener. It is always more fun to pin this stuff on someone else. Yet that would be a lie. I remember at the time saying that I didn't know why I felt compelled to share these things but the truth is I did and it's not the first time I have done it. I am in fact a repeat offender. In this case I think it was a barrier, so that when it imploded, as these things often do that I could walk away saying of course nothing came of it because I sabotaged it from the beginning. It a self defense impulse I appear to have little control over. 

Normally I'm a little more subtle in my approach. Once I became aware of what I was doing in this incidence, I was able to look back and realize I have done it at least a little bit any time I've gotten involved with a guy and it appears I can't turn it off even when I know something is casual. 

I've spent my life building walls around myself to prevent myself from getting hurt and its not particularly effective as these things go. I think on some level I've been showing people that I am deeply flawed early on so that they don't find out later when I really like them and run away. Now that I write it down, it does sound a little mad but like everything else, its something I'm working on. I am nothing if not a work in progress.