Anxiety and the other me


Sometimes late at night a thought creeps into my head and it won't go out and then the possibility of sleep evaporates.
Last night was one such night.  Now I will admit as someone who suffers from anxiety that I am more than capable of making a mountain out of a molehill but in this case I had a genuine worry on a loop in my brain.

It went a7 little something like this. After working a very busy day on not enough sleep  (thanks to stomach pain caused by somme very delicious spelt rolls consumed the day before). I arrived home the sort of exhausted that leaves me feeling very sad.
I arrived home to an empty apartment with no idea where the other half was but I was el was shattered  and I fell into bed with my book. I thought I had reached a point where I would surely succumb to sleep and I switched off the light, settled into bed and bing ! The anxiety circus began.

Each anxious thought spurned another andbI tried to quiet my mind, to close the tabtabs but my anxiety was running fast and strong. Every time I thought I might slerp I'd realise I needed to pee. Not exactly an emergency situation but enough to stop me tipping over the edge into sleep.
Everytime I went to the loo I'd do a customary check of all the rooms and find them empty which would do nothing to still my beating heart. Refusing to sacrifice myself to insomnia I opened my guided meditation app which is a surefire method for getting me to sleep. However on this occaasion I became very aware that the session was almost over and I was very mych awake and fluttering anxiously. It taoes considerable skill during guided meditation to suddenly focus all your energy on the worry that you will not be sufficiently relaxed enough to sleep before the countdown ends and then ruin the overall effect.  Next I tried counting backwards from 300 but kept pausing mid cpunt to worry and then a rain sounds app but it just made me want to pee.
I had finally given up and started reading on my phone when I heard a key in the door and thought aha the missing boyfriend has returned and now I can sleep but alas no.

Like many a man upon return from a night out , he was not skilled in the art of not making all the noise so I lay in bed awake and thinking angry thoughts. Naturally this progressed to elaborate arguments between the two of us, all within my head. Weirdly nothing gets resolved in these head fights and I just add some anger to my anxiety cocktail.

I try another relaxation app but no luck and I am awake enough to hear himself sleep in the guest room. By this stage its getting brighter outside my window and now I have time to be anxious about how little sleep I am getting. I decide to get up and put on a wash, I play games on my phone and read and finally come 7 am I sleep. I wake each hour briefly between then and 10 when I abandon sleep and get up to reclaim the day.

Throwing some clothes in a bag I jump in my car and head to wexford because even if I can't escape my own head, I can escape the apartment and hopefully the short break will get me back to my normal, slightly less anxious self.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The darker side of romance

Image
  For some reason I felt compelled to write about a corner of my past that hasn't been part of my blog before. a heads up to anyone who might be upset by this topic I will be delving into emotional abuse so feel free to stop reading now if you don't feel able to carry on. When I was in my late 20's I met a guy on a night out. He was a few years younger than me and honestly looking back threw up a couple of red flags early but I didn't trust my own intuition plus I was only a few months away from finishing college and planned to move to Edinburgh in a few months so it wasn't like it was going to be anything more than a brief fling. However as time went on I became more infatuated with him, there was an intensity there and he seemed sweet but damaged. Like a perfect modern fairytale I thought I would be the one to fix him. somehow plans changed and he was going to follow me over to Edinburgh, get a job there and we were going to live happily ever after. at this point
Read more

Help, I think I'm autistic

Image
 So I, at the age of 41, have come to the realization that I am autistic.  Growing up I always had a feeling something about me was a little bit off. I never quite fit in and I wasn't sure why. It was like everyone had been given a book of rules of how to exist in society but no one had thought to hand me a copy. Looking back with hindsight the signs were there. I was a super sensitive kid, a sensitivity I have not lost in adulthood, I cried very easily and felt every emotion very deeply. I was a picky eater and very particular about the textures of different food. I was very sensitive to light and noise and the feel of different fabrics. I was never a hugger. all of these things are as true about me now as they were when I was younger. I am socially awkward, I don't make friends that easily and will joke I am an acquired taste. Eye contact is something I have to actively work on and small talk feels like torture.  I thrive on alone time, I am incredibly sensitive to the moods
Read more

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out.
Read more