Table for one

In the last few months my life has been through many changes and this is hardly a secret to anyone who reads my stuff here or follows me on Snapchat. Admittedly at a first glance it may appear that I am over sharing but in my own way I am really just processing the upheaval in my world and connecting to those around me through a filter of my choosing. I dont mean filter in the photo sense but more that my words are carefully selected to project someone I am trying to be if that even makes sense.

 Now I will admit readily that it has taken me a long time to over come my self consciousness about small things like eating in public, particularly alone. I have often felt as though I'm being watched and judged at every moment and it has taken me a long time to realise strangers dont care about what I am doing nearly as much as I do. I can now eat lunch or have coffee pretty much anywhere with only half a care in the world with my book or my phone for company. I am nothing if not a work in progress. 

 The next hurdle I have to overcome is my fear of bars.  Okay so bars themselves dont scare me but I've always had this weird hang up about going into bars by myself even if I'm arranging to meet people inside. I'm going to come out and say the fact that I no longer drink anything stronger than sparkling water does nothing to help. Not much courage to be found in non alcoholic beverages so I have been forced to dig deep and find this courage within myself. It probably doesn't sound like much unless you also have social anxiety and then you might get the scope of what I'm dealing with. Believe me I can over think the shit out of anything. 

I have been working on that since I moved to Kilkenny. That's the thing with being single, I have to do a lot more things for myself. When I was in a relationship I fell into the trap of using my then boyfriend as the social crutch that alcohol used to be for me. This only served to highlight my social ineptness but I dont have him to hide behind anymore. The other thing is I do actually like to get out of the house and do things from time to time and sure lying on my couch in pyjamas binging Netflix is comfortable but it's also safe and sometimes comes from a place of fear.

Now I have been on dates post break up but I can't say I've met anyone that I have genuinely liked yet . This is probably the only reason I'm not too upset that I seem to be a bit of a one date wonder. I think I'm too nervous and I over talk which means I'm putting way too much of my crazy on show very early in the game but I think I'll worry about that when I meet someone I'd like to see again.

This is part of what led me to pushing myself out there.  If you want to do a date like activity and you don't have someone to accompany you then you either take yourself out or you stay home berating yourself for caring too much about what others might think. I think I've done too much of the latter in my lifetime.

I will admit the first time Billy Byrnes bar advertised a movie night and I really wanted to go but the people I was supposed to meet cancelled last minute and I stood outside the bar feeling sick and fighting the urge to play it safe and creep home. I went in, bought my drink and got a seat and I enjoyed that film and not one person in there gave a damn that I was there unaccompanied. So slowly the fear has crept away and it turns out I'm great company.  I buy my own drinks and I don't ask stupid questions and I wonder why I dont date me more often.

Maybe in time I'll meet someone I want to share some of my precious free time with but there's no rush because as it turns out I'm quite happy at my table for one.

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