An apology letter to my body


I feel I have reached a point where I owe my body an apology. Truth be told I haven't always treated it with kindness. This shell in which inhabit has not always had the easiest of times. As a kid I refused to eat so many things and then made up for it in my teens and twenties by doing all of the eating. The woeful hangovers, the reluctance to exercise, the slow and silent abuse of my youthfulness. The not appreciating what I had when I had it and not looking after myself as well as I could.

Those who know me or who have dipped in and out of my blog since its inception ,about a year and a half ago, will know I have made some major diet and lifestyle changes from when I was forced to give up wheat and cut out fast food and soft drinks and found CrossFit. All good things that were a long time coming. I have also quit sugar so many times ( and inevitably fallen off the wagon ), at this stage I can no longer count. All of this was done in an effort to feel better and obviously I wasn't going to be too upset if I also started to look better from my efforts. 

After making a pretty good effort in September to complete a 30 day challenge, I was feeling pretty good about myself so I said in October I would go one step further and add a clean eating challenge to the mix. It's one thing to get up and workout for 20 minutes to before work but it's quite another to ignore the lure of spelt bread. 
The plan was that I would eliminate all of the foods I shouldn't be eating, all the ones that make me ill ( that's spelt, rye, and all sugars) and as well as just feeling better, I would also be all lovely and glowy and slim. If you're wondering how I'm Getting on, it now being 19 days into October , well I'm currently lying in bed far too wired to sleep with a sick stomach and a thumping headache. It's safe to say that clean eating October has not been a success.

I started off with such great intentions but all it took was one weekend away a few days in to my brilliant plan to entirely derail me. I have consumed more chocolate than is logical or healthy, I have had coffee and then robbed myself of sleep as a result , I have had crisps and chips and suffered every time. I have been keeping the spelt bakers In my area afloat. So instead of getting abs, I'm getting fat. And for that I need to apologize to my body. 

If it were only as simple as a weight gain issue then this would probably weigh less heavily on my mind but for me, eating the foods from my blacklist carries a heavier penalty than a tighter waistband and an overwhelming feeling of naughtiness. For starters I have a profound emotional reaction to sugar ( some sweets hit me harder than others ) and I get anxious, teary and depressed whenever I hit my sugar threshold. The other factor of course is my candida. I'm not going to bore you With the details because I've gone into it before so let's just say when
I stray off the clean eating path my stomach gets really ill. It's been rough two weeks. 

It's like being on a roller coaster you really want to get off but without as many good bits. I would really like to stop now but I know especially With all the sleep I'll have robbed myself of tonight that it will only be too easy to fall into the sugar trap tomorrow. All I can really do is try and promise I'll do better. This is why I feel the need to apologize for the care I haven't been taking, for mean things I've said to myself and for not doing everything I can to stop myself from feeling like this ever again 

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