The delicate art of appearing normal

As an introvert with anxious tendencies I spend an excessive amount of time worrying about how I come across to other people. I am not a natural socializer but my default, hanging back in conversations having many thoughts but not really sharing most of them, has been known to come across as standoffish so I make an effort to interact with others (most of the time) but I do so awkwardly with a complete lack of finesse.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and then thought about it for months? analysing what you said and how the other person appeared to react? oh me neither, I was just asking for a friend.

Sometimes I get nervous and talk too much and I'm pretty sure I am making no sense just mashing sentences together to fill the silence aware that I am oversharing but can't seem to engage with my brain. I constantly put my foot in it , saying things I shouldn't. Sometimes I know I am saying the wrong thing as the words leave my mouth but by then the damage is done. I make inappropriate jokes and when defensive I become sarcastic.

I know I make a terrible first impression. This much I am certain of. I am not socially adept but I do shine in other areas. I am a good listener and I love to learn new things and sharpen my mind. I am also quite skilled at reading the emotional temperature of a room. The trouble with being an emotional sponge ( and unfortunately I am) is that I can usually tell when someone has taken a particular dislike to me, I just can't always pin point why.

I find since I changed jobs I am constantly meeting new people plus my Boyfriend's work means I am inundated with introductions every time we go out and this only serves to highlight my social inadequacies. Sometimes I come home cringing from a particular social interaction, my own words ringing in my ears and I tell myself next time  I'll make a better impression or perhaps I'll just talk less and fade quietly into the background which is ideally what I'd prefer.

When you know all of this about me then you understand why I socialise so infrequently but I don't really feel comfortable discussing my own social shortcomings when it feels like all around me people are navigating the world with far more skill and ease than I could ever muster. So I don't know if I am alone in feeling this way. I find being around other people can be utterly exhausting. Until I gather enough money to buy a mountain shack and some goats and become a hermit, I will struggle on and maybe work a bit harder at this delicate art of appearing normal.  

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