Oh !, this is autism


 The beauty of not realising you are autistic until later in life is that you go through most of your life with the vague sense that something is off but not knowing quite what. I felt weird growing up and lots of things in different areas of my life were a struggle but I wasn't open with people about how I was experiencing the world so I genuinely didn't know if other people were having the same experience and just hiding it better. Also there have been many moments where I share something I was certain was a universal experience but it elicits a reaction that quickly lets me know this assumption was wrong and it's best not to share these thoughts just in case.

Initially upon discovering I was autistic I made all of the obvious connections. The sensory issues, the being overly empathetic, the issues around eye contact, the social misunderstanding, the awkwardness of small talk and so on. These things had always existed for me and Autism was merely the coherent explanation that encompassed them all but once I got past all of that there was clearly more discovering to be done.

There was the noticing how I respond to different sensory input like feeling too stressed to park if I am overheated or the instant headache I get walking into a supermarket but there are so many other connections being made. Either from introspection or watching content made by another autistic creator and I am realising of how much of my make up (i.e. who I am as a person) and life experiences have been shaped by autism.

I feel like a detective going back through my own life as though its a really boring episode of cold case for anyone who doesn't happen to be me.

Overall I am enjoying the experience, making the connections and then probably telling someone who isn't as interested in my autistic experience as I am, fully aware that for them it is another childhood or early adulthood story but for me it is a moment of wonder that I didn't join the dots sooner.

I am certain I am only getting started here and there is much more to uncover. Afterall I lived 41 years masking myself into oblivion and wondering why the experience of being alive was so damn exhausting so there is plenty to unpack and probably much more to write about.

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