Not weird, Just autistic

 

I have always joked that I am a bit of an acquired taste as I don't immediately click with everyone I meet and if someone instantly dislikes me I can usually tell. I am pretty good at getting a read on people. I now know that part of that is because when you're autistic, even when masking well, you can seem a bit off to some people. A bit of the uncanny valley effect, something not so neurotypical in the atmosphere.

I am currently reevaluating my life through an autistic lens and things are clicking a way they never did before. So many of my so called quirks are really just facets of my autism. I know there have been many times where I have told someone about how I spent my free time and gotten a slightly odd look , that feeling that I haven't quite said the right thing but not getting too worked up about it because so long as I enjoy it then does it really matter if it appeals to the average person. Today for example I spent two hours walking on a beach collecting sea glass meticulously and taking scenic photos. I had lovely time but I appreciate to many that would not sound like a fun way to spend an afternoon.

I struggle to make small talk and I am prone to forgetting until its too late how I am supposed to ask follow up questions even if I am not that interested in the answer and often my filter doesn't work the way it should and I am far too honest when someone asks me how I am doing.  

I overshare even when I shouldn't because I feel I am more tolerable with enough context. At the moment I can't seem to stop telling people that I have discovered I am autistic. Part of this is me finding my feet and rediscovering my place in the world but there is another part of me that feels if I am upfront and honest then surely it will give me the freedom to be my most authentic self without fear of judgement. If I tell someone I am autistic and shortly after do something that is very clearly autistic then surely this shouldn't provoke any major response. or at least that is theory.

However I have noticed that despite telling this information to almost everyone bar complete strangers that when I produce a fidget toy from my pocket and proceed very gently stim with it, I will often be aware that the person I am talking to is looking at me and then the fidget and then me and back to the fidget. or similarly when I say something without a filter or unusual I get a pretty strong reaction (and Its never something rude or mean that I have said) and it seems to me that while people will take on board you saying that you are autistic they don't actually seem to fully comprehend what that means in terms of how you are likely to behave or navigate the world.

Now I can appreciate that while I have made autism into my special interest and am happily dedicating time to discovering how my brain works and why my lived experience is different to that of my allistic (non autistic) peers that not everyone has the interest or the time or the inclination to do the same. 

So I will go about my day in the best way I can, creating my own accommodations and knowing that I could be the biggest juiciest peach and still find some people who just don't like peaches. Even with all the explanation in the world not everyone is going to get me and that's ok 

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