Meltdowns and shutdowns oh my


 As I sit writing this I am wondering is not a good time for curating my thoughts on this topic. My brain feels like I left it in the sun too long and it melted a bit. I have just had a day where I felt as though I was navigating underwater for the day and that's because yesterday was emotionally sort of a rough day but still I got up today and dragged myself to work.


I doubted that I could be autistic because I didn't feel I had ever experienced a meltdown. I had heard them talked about in whispers within the autism community online but as it turns out I actually didn't have a clue what they actually looked like but the mental image I had in my head did not match any experience that I had.

As I went deeper down the rabbit hole of all things autistic I realised that I was prone to not only meltdowns but shut downs too. I will explain more about shut downs in a moment. I think part of the issue is that while I had heard people talk about meltdowns I had never really delved into how that presents or thought about the fact that not every autistic person experiences facets of autism in same way. My experience may be different to yours but it is no less valid.

For me a meltdown is usually precipitated by feeling overwhelmed and sensory overload. For whatever reason the weekend brought that in spades. I worked two long days and I was just a big bag of sensory overload come monday.

unfortunately being in this state usually means my sleep takes a hit so I am sleep deprived and feeling all my feelings so overall a recipe for a meltdown if ever there was one. 

For me a meltdown usually comes in the form of a crying jag started by something tiny and insignificant. Yesterday I was full on sobbing because I became overwhelmed changing my bedcovers and I do hear myself and I know that sentence sounds ridiculous. But I cried a lot and then I crawled beneath my weighted blanket and threw on my projector light and watched comfort shows until I felt better ( I am still waiting for that bit to kick in)

and no wonder I didn't realise I was having meltdowns. I am super emotional and cry very easily and get super overwhelmed all the time ( I mean now I know it's autism but before it just seemed like some character flaw I needed to work on) for other people their meltdowns might manifest differently, I can only speak to my own experience.

The other side to this coin is the shut downs. Another thing I have experienced super regularly unbeknownst to myself. So I would experience all the side effects but never had I name to them and was just left wondering why my brain stopped working or a tiny task suddenly felt completely unmanageable, why I felt so tired I could barely keep my eyes open in the middle of the day.

For me when I shutdown the cause is usually sensory overload or feeling completely overwhelmed. I find my brain stops functioning like it should and I will feel as though I am navigating under water or trying to walk through treacle. I might struggle to put my thoughts into words or follow coherent sentences, I can feel like its a massive struggle to stay awake ( particularly challenging when I am not at home). 

The discovery that I am autistic has been a steep learning curve and in many ways its good to finally have a context for my lived experiences but it's also challenging to be so thrown by minor bumps in the road.
I also know I am in the messy part right and I will at some point learn to navigate it all better but for now I am just doing my best and hanging in there

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The darker side of romance

Image
  For some reason I felt compelled to write about a corner of my past that hasn't been part of my blog before. a heads up to anyone who might be upset by this topic I will be delving into emotional abuse so feel free to stop reading now if you don't feel able to carry on. When I was in my late 20's I met a guy on a night out. He was a few years younger than me and honestly looking back threw up a couple of red flags early but I didn't trust my own intuition plus I was only a few months away from finishing college and planned to move to Edinburgh in a few months so it wasn't like it was going to be anything more than a brief fling. However as time went on I became more infatuated with him, there was an intensity there and he seemed sweet but damaged. Like a perfect modern fairytale I thought I would be the one to fix him. somehow plans changed and he was going to follow me over to Edinburgh, get a job there and we were going to live happily ever after. at this point
Read more

Help, I think I'm autistic

Image
 So I, at the age of 41, have come to the realization that I am autistic.  Growing up I always had a feeling something about me was a little bit off. I never quite fit in and I wasn't sure why. It was like everyone had been given a book of rules of how to exist in society but no one had thought to hand me a copy. Looking back with hindsight the signs were there. I was a super sensitive kid, a sensitivity I have not lost in adulthood, I cried very easily and felt every emotion very deeply. I was a picky eater and very particular about the textures of different food. I was very sensitive to light and noise and the feel of different fabrics. I was never a hugger. all of these things are as true about me now as they were when I was younger. I am socially awkward, I don't make friends that easily and will joke I am an acquired taste. Eye contact is something I have to actively work on and small talk feels like torture.  I thrive on alone time, I am incredibly sensitive to the moods
Read more

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out.
Read more