Meltdowns and shutdowns oh my

 As I sit writing this I am wondering is not a good time for curating my thoughts on this topic. My brain feels like I left it in the sun too long and it melted a bit. I have just had a day where I felt as though I was navigating underwater for the day and that's because yesterday was emotionally sort of a rough day but still I got up today and dragged myself to work.

I doubted that I could be autistic because I didn't feel I had ever experienced a meltdown. I had heard them talked about in whispers within the autism community online but as it turns out I actually didn't have a clue what they actually looked like but the mental image I had in my head did not match any experience that I had.

As I went deeper down the rabbit hole of all things autistic I realised that I was prone to not only meltdowns but shut downs too. I will explain more about shut downs in a moment. I think part of the issue is that while I had heard people talk about meltdowns I had never really delved into how that presents or thought about the fact that not every autistic person experiences facets of autism in same way. My experience may be different to yours but it is no less valid.

For me a meltdown is usually precipitated by feeling overwhelmed and sensory overload. For whatever reason the weekend brought that in spades. I worked two long days and I was just a big bag of sensory overload come monday.

unfortunately being in this state usually means my sleep takes a hit so I am sleep deprived and feeling all my feelings so overall a recipe for a meltdown if ever there was one. 

For me a meltdown usually comes in the form of a crying jag started by something tiny and insignificant. Yesterday I was full on sobbing because I became overwhelmed changing my bedcovers and I do hear myself and I know that sentence sounds ridiculous. But I cried a lot and then I crawled beneath my weighted blanket and threw on my projector light and watched comfort shows until I felt better ( I am still waiting for that bit to kick in)

and no wonder I didn't realise I was having meltdowns. I am super emotional and cry very easily and get super overwhelmed all the time ( I mean now I know it's autism but before it just seemed like some character flaw I needed to work on) for other people their meltdowns might manifest differently, I can only speak to my own experience.

The other side to this coin is the shut downs. Another thing I have experienced super regularly unbeknownst to myself. So I would experience all the side effects but never had I name to them and was just left wondering why my brain stopped working or a tiny task suddenly felt completely unmanageable, why I felt so tired I could barely keep my eyes open in the middle of the day.

For me when I shutdown the cause is usually sensory overload or feeling completely overwhelmed. I find my brain stops functioning like it should and I will feel as though I am navigating under water or trying to walk through treacle. I might struggle to put my thoughts into words or follow coherent sentences, I can feel like its a massive struggle to stay awake ( particularly challenging when I am not at home). 

The discovery that I am autistic has been a steep learning curve and in many ways its good to finally have a context for my lived experiences but it's also challenging to be so thrown by minor bumps in the road.

I also know I am in the messy part right and I will at some point learn to navigate it all better but for now I am just doing my best and hanging in there