I need some space


 So I can't blog about my experience being autistic and not talk about the importance of alone time. As someone with autism it's not that I want to spend a certain amount of time alone but that I need it in order to function.

I've always valued time alone and would find myself getting overwhelmed if I had too much time in company. I chalked it up to being an introvert but I was aware on some level that other people found my desire for large amounts of alone time to be a bit weird. I remember several years ago planning a little holiday for myself, some books, time by the sea and my phone for taking photos and I was very excited about the prospect. I have had several such solo breaks and they have been very relaxing and enjoyable. I mentioned this planned holiday in passing to a colleague and she immediately wanted to know how big a group I was travelling with and when I said I was going alone, she reacted with abject horror. I could tell she felt very sorry for me 'having' to go away alone and I felt no amount of telling her it was an intentional choice on my part would sway her.

Energetically being around people all the time is very hard and exhausting. Part of this is because I am so sensitive to my surroundings I also pick up on the energy and mood of those around me so periods of socialising are things that I save energy for and If I don't prepare myself correctly I will either be the worst company or have a hangover like feeling for days after.

It's good to enjoy your company, it's the only company you can't take a break from. The first time I got covid I spent a month in isolation without seeing another face. Part of this was because I still had covid symptoms but also the rules around what we were supposed to do in these circumstances were unclear and I didn't want to bother anyone. It took me a good three weeks before I started to struggle with the time alone.

When I'm alone I can read, watch tik toks, nap, potter around my house, get entirely lost in my own head or even have a lovely day out. I think when I got back into dating (after an extended break) liking my own company so much helped me make better choices. I wasn't about to end up with the wrong guy out of loneliness. I had the attitude of If I am about to allow someone into my life then time with them will have to be better than time by myself and let me tell you that's some stiff competition. I chose well however and found a partner who craves alone time just as much as me and we have gotten into a rhythm around time together that works well for both of us.

The difficulty is that this craving or need for time alone does make me somewhat anti social. Sometimes I need an entire day off to recharge and decompress so I can show up for work the next day and be a nice person. Without the time alone I am more tired and grouchier and I for sure have less patience or ability to cope with the challenges of the day.

I did have a point where I didn't prioritise alone time in the same way. I was so busy thinking about what other people wanted or needed that I squashed my own needs down until they were really small but I have discovered that is no way to live and also I am pretty rubbish company if I over tax myself.

So I think I will continue to do what makes me happy and find my own pockets of quiet but occasionally I will venture out of my house and do the social thing

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