confessions of a sugar addict

I know most people make little of the notion that you could be addicted to sugar and will happily trot out that line about everything in moderation. That's all well and good depending on what your definition  of moderation is and if its possible for you to live by that rule of thumb. I happen to have a complicated relationship with food, its sort of my thing and sugar for me has been more than an additive in my food. It's more like an awful boyfriend who makes me feel like crap but who I keep returning to for those few seconds of loveliness.

It's no secret that I had quit sugar ( I think to date I was on attempt 3) but unfortunately it seems that I have not quit it for life. I'm not sure what the culprit was but it was possibly the combination of other sugars that I would allow myself on occasion that caused me to teeter so close to the edge of sugar eating that it was only inevitable that I would eventually fall. The om bars with coconut sugar or the stevia sweetened chocolate bars or the odd bit of honey or date syrup all ganged and primed my taste buds so that all it took was one bad week and I was ankle deep in chocolate wrappers. I knew the turning point had  come when I found myself in the chocolate aisle in Tescos last week really agonising over whether or not to get a bar of green and blacks dark chocolate with burnt toffee. I decided against it but only because I had left my phone at home and couldn't consult the book of answers. That might sound made up but that's really how it went down. Stephen even ended up putting back his bar of chocolate. By this stage I knew I'd be eating it soon and all I was doing was delaying the inevitable but it was good to pretend.

The following day on my coffee break I bought a six pack of dark chocolate rice cakes and by lunch I'd followed it up with a handful of chocolate sweets. It was all a rather frenzied affair so I'm not sure I even got much enjoyment from it. Soon after I was filled with a hunger for more and remorse at my gluttony particularly given that I would be doing a crossfit class the following morning and I knew I would regret my sugar binge.

That night I could barely sleep, after three months of no sugar, I was wound like a top so I woke the next morning groggy and cranky and only got myself to the gym with seconds to spare. As I feared the workout involved lots of aerobic movements so about two minutes in I started to feel really ill and dizzy ( because my liver was under pressure) and it was not good but I got through it. Once I'd cooled down and changed I went food shopping, half dead from lack of sleep. I picked up my usual food plus a green and blacks milk chocolate with salt and before I got back to my parents house I had the whole thing eaten. I later bought some dark chocolate lollies in m&s and got a gluten free cookie in a cafe in town. By this stage I was so sugary I was practically fizzing. I was all hyper and my eyes had a sort of crazy sheen to them. I did actually manage to catch up on some sleep that night so I wasn't as sleep deprived heading to work the next morning.

On my coffee break I popped to the health food shop and got a green and blacks milk chocolate with almonds bar and accidentally ate the whole thing on my 15 minute coffee break. I'm not sure it was in my mouth long enough to taste it. I had a handful of sweets throughout the day but the sugary was starting to wear off a little by the time I got out of work and met Stephen, I was tired and cranky and my head hurt. I got through the meal okay but ended up getting a bag of riesen to get me through the play.

Sunday is when I tried to kick the habit. I got some spelt bread and stevia bars so I could have yummy things all day and not need chocolate and it kind of worked in that I didn't eat any chocolate but I did eat loads of other food that makes sick so by Monday I actually spent the day feeling like I was going to be sick. I really thought I was and it was probably my body struggling to cope with the everything but feeling so compromised and implementing a stellar case of Laura logic I ended up filling my mouth with sugar once again. 

It was more than a little silly and even today I don't feel great. I got through at least one day without sugar and survived it but I know I need to phase out other sugars (coconut sugar, honey, stevia) if I want to actually kick this habit. Otherwise I'll only be a push away from my next binge. Today I feel tired and sick and so very hungry. I'm a little woozy and actually I'm incredibly angry all day long. This my friend is me on sugar or at least me being weaned off sugar. You think given that sugar makes me very ill, too hyper to sleep and so very emotional that it would be an easier habit to break but that's where you would be wrong.
Maybe I can get to the weekend sugar free and earn myself the luxury of sleep and a slightly smaller stomach. 

I have started a fitness challenge thing I found online in the hopes of keeping me going when I can't get to clonmel and the last two nights I went for a long walk so maybe this time next month, I'll be a happier version of me.