The professional me vs the real me


Today, at work training, someone who hadn't met me before expressed genuine surprise that I class myself as an introvert.This is not the first time this has happened but it got me thinking about the different personas I present to the world.

In some settings I can come across confident and self assured but the people who see me here would scarcely recognise me out in the world. When I first started working in my current work place I was nervous. I often am in these settings and I overtalked, Too much talking about nothing in particular out of some need to fill all the silences with words. Then I relaxed as time passed and withdrew more into myself. I talked less and learned more. I eventually reached a point where my confidence in my own abilities and knowledge of the people we supported had grown enough that I started to stand my ground and share my opinions. This is where I am now. Sit me in a training room, a meeting or with any professional that we have to call upon and I can talk clearly and confidently about my working knowledge. However throw me out of these settings and different me emerges. I was conscious of this today when we took our coffee break and I was standing in a room with women I didn't know that well, unsure of where to sit. I awkwardly clutched my coffee cup and half listened to several conversations. Later back in the training room I openly engaged with the women at my table and gave answers to the questions the trainer asked without prompting like a totally different version of myself.

I can't articulate properly why my social awkwardness rears its ugly head only in certain situations. You would only have to have witnessed me at my boyfriend's last event (where I sat at front of house taking in money) sneakily reading my book and glad I wasn't inside were I'd have to present another version of myself. Sometimes in these social situations it feels like the words are too big in my mouth and that I have nothing interesting to offer and perhaps its better if I just fade quietly into the background and no one will even notice me.

I am happy to be out going  in my job in care with my colleagues and with the people I support but I guarantee you I don't dance and sing that much when I am home. Bringing my A game to work when I really want to be quiet and read on my breaks, to retreat into myself and take a few moments in my own head, this is actually exhausting for me, It means I often come home without much to offer my boyfriend because I used up all my social battery before getting in the door.

I don't know why I can be so comfortable in some settings and almost transparent in others but I guess that's another part of the puzzle that is me,

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out....
Read more

How long does it take to learn to drive?

Image
I remember my nieces a year or so back asking me in an incredulous tone how long it takes to learn to drive because for as long as they could remember I had L plates on my car. The answer in my case is four years. Admittedly I probably could have gotten my full licence sooner if I hadn't been so hesitant to do my test in the three years that have passed since my last attempt. I get very anxious during tests or Interviews and so do not perform particularly well at either. I will put that in my list of things I need to work on in the new year. In time since I have learned to drive I feel I have accomplished a lot and yet I will go out of my way to avoid having to parallel park because I feel like its always going to be my Achilles heel. At least I have come a long way from the days when I used to feel anxious about getting into my car and was likely to bunny hop across roundabouts in third gear. The problem with learning to drive is that the older you do the harder it is and...
Read more

Burnout: the sequel

Image
  I am burnt out. Hardly the most shocking declaration given I have been saying it out loud for a while now but here we are. This isn't my first run in with burn out nor will it likely be my last. Not only am I working in a stressful job, a social care worker in residential care, which is no stranger to burn out but also I am autistic so its like I know a secret short cut to getting there. I think as bragging goes this is up there with declaring how many times I have managed to catch covid. Which is 4 at my current count and they say there are no benefits to working in Health care. If you are lucky enough to not have experienced burnout then I can tell you its not an experience I would recommend to a friend. If you have friends working in social care then you probably wont need to.  Some of the things I have been experiencing are random bouts of crying. Given high sensitivity is part of my autism profile, I am no stranger to crying and the first time I experienced burnout it t...
Read more