The professional me vs the real me


Today, at work training, someone who hadn't met me before expressed genuine surprise that I class myself as an introvert.This is not the first time this has happened but it got me thinking about the different personas I present to the world.

In some settings I can come across confident and self assured but the people who see me here would scarcely recognise me out in the world. When I first started working in my current work place I was nervous. I often am in these settings and I overtalked, Too much talking about nothing in particular out of some need to fill all the silences with words. Then I relaxed as time passed and withdrew more into myself. I talked less and learned more. I eventually reached a point where my confidence in my own abilities and knowledge of the people we supported had grown enough that I started to stand my ground and share my opinions. This is where I am now. Sit me in a training room, a meeting or with any professional that we have to call upon and I can talk clearly and confidently about my working knowledge. However throw me out of these settings and different me emerges. I was conscious of this today when we took our coffee break and I was standing in a room with women I didn't know that well, unsure of where to sit. I awkwardly clutched my coffee cup and half listened to several conversations. Later back in the training room I openly engaged with the women at my table and gave answers to the questions the trainer asked without prompting like a totally different version of myself.

I can't articulate properly why my social awkwardness rears its ugly head only in certain situations. You would only have to have witnessed me at my boyfriend's last event (where I sat at front of house taking in money) sneakily reading my book and glad I wasn't inside were I'd have to present another version of myself. Sometimes in these social situations it feels like the words are too big in my mouth and that I have nothing interesting to offer and perhaps its better if I just fade quietly into the background and no one will even notice me.

I am happy to be out going  in my job in care with my colleagues and with the people I support but I guarantee you I don't dance and sing that much when I am home. Bringing my A game to work when I really want to be quiet and read on my breaks, to retreat into myself and take a few moments in my own head, this is actually exhausting for me, It means I often come home without much to offer my boyfriend because I used up all my social battery before getting in the door.

I don't know why I can be so comfortable in some settings and almost transparent in others but I guess that's another part of the puzzle that is me,

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The darker side of romance

Image
  For some reason I felt compelled to write about a corner of my past that hasn't been part of my blog before. a heads up to anyone who might be upset by this topic I will be delving into emotional abuse so feel free to stop reading now if you don't feel able to carry on. When I was in my late 20's I met a guy on a night out. He was a few years younger than me and honestly looking back threw up a couple of red flags early but I didn't trust my own intuition plus I was only a few months away from finishing college and planned to move to Edinburgh in a few months so it wasn't like it was going to be anything more than a brief fling. However as time went on I became more infatuated with him, there was an intensity there and he seemed sweet but damaged. Like a perfect modern fairytale I thought I would be the one to fix him. somehow plans changed and he was going to follow me over to Edinburgh, get a job there and we were going to live happily ever after. at this point
Read more

Help, I think I'm autistic

Image
 So I, at the age of 41, have come to the realization that I am autistic.  Growing up I always had a feeling something about me was a little bit off. I never quite fit in and I wasn't sure why. It was like everyone had been given a book of rules of how to exist in society but no one had thought to hand me a copy. Looking back with hindsight the signs were there. I was a super sensitive kid, a sensitivity I have not lost in adulthood, I cried very easily and felt every emotion very deeply. I was a picky eater and very particular about the textures of different food. I was very sensitive to light and noise and the feel of different fabrics. I was never a hugger. all of these things are as true about me now as they were when I was younger. I am socially awkward, I don't make friends that easily and will joke I am an acquired taste. Eye contact is something I have to actively work on and small talk feels like torture.  I thrive on alone time, I am incredibly sensitive to the moods
Read more

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out.
Read more