This year I'd like .....

With my 35th birthday this Saturday, I find myself taking a real look at where I am in life versus where I would like to be. At 35 there will be no denying I am a bona fide adult, in fact I have been a proper adult for quite some time now but for some reason I still feel like someone playing dress up in my mothers clothes. This is my real life and not just me pretending. I have a full driving licence over a year now and actually got my foot on the career ladder properly for the first time, plus I am not riddled with debt and live with my very cute boyfriend so its not like my time has been totally wasted. Obviously on my birthday some real life presents would be quite nice but there are some other things I'd like that bit more and I don't think they are the kind of things you can buy so good luck sorting any of these in time for my birthday.

 This year I'd like to actually believe in myself and not find myself doubting my every action and thought. I'd like to stop letting other people make me feel small and insignificant. I'd like to not feel my eyes fill with tears every time someone delivers a particularly harsh criticism or jumps down my throat for no reason at all. I'd like to stand my ground in an argument without getting emotional and not constantly feel like I am the one doing something wrong.

 I'd like to be stronger both physically and emotionally. I'd like to be sure of myself without somehow pissing everyone off. I'd like to be proud of how far I've come without someone making me feel bad for it. I'd like to be an adultier adult than the one I am now. Not a pretend adult waiting for someone to uncover my lie (ha ha its really just teenage me but in a very old body). I'd like the kind of things no one could buy me and I am not sure how to give myself.
I'd like to be able to present my case in an articulate fashion and avoid any tears once I feel under attack. I'd like to be composed and not walk away from discussions saying a hundred angry and mean things in my head but not one solid point out loud. 

 I would like all of these things and maybe in the next year I will uncover some magic way to be this person I had so hoped to be. In the meanwhile I will accept booja booja truffles and books in lieu of the unbuyable.

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