A day in the life of an anxious mind

Many people suffer from anxiety in varying levels so I know having it doesn't make me special. Not that I am trying to be special, I am mostly just coping with the complication business of being me. I have had anxious thoughts as far back as I can remember and mostly it just simmers away in the background like a barely noticeable hum but occasionally it bubbles over and I can't hear myself over the whirring in my brain. it's a thing now, isn't it ? being honest about mental health issues. Mind you I have always been a little too open about mine, blurting it out to anyone who seems mildly interested and providing ammunition  should anyone care to use it. 

I don't know that I will ever completely shake it, at this point it feels like an intricate part of personality, a trait as attractive as the rounded curve of my belly. Perhaps though it is a little less obvious to the outside world. There are times when I wish my brain had an off switch so I could take a day or two to just be me without worrying about things I have done or might later do and bills that don't stop coming and will I have enough money. It goes on in this fashion on a loop echoing in my ear whenever I have enough silence around me to hear it. That's before I even delve into the complicated business of social interactions. Why not rehash a conversation I had weeks ago or pore over an event where I may have said something wrong but probably didn't. I know its part of reason I have always loved reading with its shameless escape and lack of judgement.

 The hardest part of living with anxiety isn't even the anxiety itself, although that's no picnic, but the trying to explain it to those who don't experience it. If you have never lay awake late at night worrying about a problem that hasn't even happened yet then you wont understand. There's no point in telling me that endless worrying is irrational and wont solve anything because as it happens I already know all that and it doesn't seem to stop me. 

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed by anxious thoughts and I can't quite pinpoint why. I know I should do something with all this energy bar ignoring it and hoping it goes away. The main thing to know is its okay to feel this way and I know I am not alone in being anxious. I will get back into reading and colouring and baking and maybe even exercising too and be back on an even keel before I know it but the anxiety wont be gone completely. I'll still feel it lurking in the shadows and it's own way that's okay too. 

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