I possibly might regret this later

Lately in work, with staff spanning a wide range of ages, I find myself on the edge of conversations about Debs from people roughly half my age which makes me feel too old or pension plans from people in my age bracket which makes me feel older still and a little panicked. Mostly because I know this is something I should be thinking about but regardless of how vague my five year plan is at this point in time, it doesn't include me being in retail. My boyfriend constantly gives out to me for being too negative and winds me up spouting stuff that sounds like it should be said by a motivational speaker and while he means well it doesn't stop me being cranky and sarcastic and retorting that I am not a f@*cking disney character (I was quite proud of that one) so I feel entitled to panic and wallow in misery until I come up with a better plan.

 I know if I was a different person I wouldn't hang myself so much on the what if's and the why didn't I .... and just focus on the things that I do have the ability to change but I'm not that sort of person so its a struggle for me to stay in the now and God only knows I've tried. I even read Eckart Tolles the power of now and saw a lot of sense in it but reading it and actually implementing it in my life are two very different things. Who has time for mindfulness when there's so damn much to worry about, right? 
I am sure if I was to write a list of things I regret that it would be epic and possibly endless but as I am not writing an anonymous blog, I don't think such a time will come as it's hard to take words back once you leave them out in the world wide web. I know I've made a lot of silly decisions down the line re: relationships (my current one is not included) and life choices generally plus the whole host of health issues I've been having because I didn't take better care of myself in my twenties but I do see there's not much point mulling over these things and perhaps I should limit myself to doing so for an hour a week until I can eventually bring myself to give it up. 

 Of course when it comes to my career, I have made many foolish leaps in different directions without making an exact plan for where my future was going like how useful would it have been had I decided 14 years ago that primary teaching was a viable option for me or how much easier my life would have been if I had actually put my degree into use right after I first got it, four years ago. Instead I have been bouncing around from call centres to retail with only a peripheral awareness that my degree is losing its value by the day. Soon it will be just a piece of paper ( very expensive to earn) gathering dust in my bedside cabinet. 

 Its a bit of a crux really because I'd like to be working in a caring profession in the next few years but I am four years out of college without much experience and its all a bit yikes, how did I get here. And more importantly how do I go anywhere from here without investing in training I can't afford unless I can convince some employer that I am the best possible candidate without it (which seems unlikely ) unless I learn some Derren Brown type techniques sharpish. Mostly I will be having deep and meaningful thoughts about where I'd like to go next and waiting most patiently for the social care employer of my dreams to give me a call and just offer me a job. I'll let you know how that works, it should be happening any time between now and my 35th birthday. I have decided that if I don't have it together by then that I might just be a lost cause. 

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