Breaking up is hard to do

This day a week ago my boyfriend of almost four years parted ways. In the briefest of conversations he went from being the person I tell everything to being someone I may never speak to again.  That's not to suggest the end of our relationship came as a shock to either of us. It lay lingering in the air unsaid and the magic relationship fairy seemed to be taking her sweet time waving her magic wand over all the cracks in the relationship so the words were said and once out there couldn't be taken back and just like that we weren't a couple any more.

Breaking up is a much messier affair when you live together because while you are deciding what to do next, you also have to decide where to go next. This is one of those times where my anxiety actually helped me out. I had spent months worrying about this obsessively and the only thing that calmed me was planning what to do in a worst case scenario. When I  was faced with the reality of the end of us, I found myself prepared.

First I had to stop crying so hard that I couldn't breathe and then I gave myself room to plan. I realised as I headed to work on 4 hours sleep that we couldn't both stay in the apartment while we found somewhere new to live and for my own sanity I had to get out. I got through the day at work on adrenaline and sheer determination to not cry in front of my colleagues. I thought I was coping remarkably well but I think it was shock and lack of sleep. That night I got home and started to pack.  By the time exhaustion kicked in I had packed 3/4 of my things. Another broken nights sleep followed.

The next day I told the landlord and burst into tears which was uncomfortable for everyone. I closed some accounts and threw out an unbelievable amount of stuff. I fit everything I owned into bags and then helped my dad load up his car so that all the stuff I wont need until I find my Kilkenny home can stay in my parents holiday rental in wexford. Leaving only my stuff for clonmel in the apartment I got into my car and practised my multi tasking skills of crying and driving the whole way  to wexford ( I wouldn't recommend it) but I will admit I was very foolish to think I could go through a break up with just one night of tears. I kept my sunglasses on to give the illusion that I really hadnt been doing a phenomenal amount of crying but fooled no one but myself. I got through the day and before I knew it was Thursday and I  was putting off returning to my apartment for the final time. I couldn't put it off indefinitely because I was working all weekend. I packed the last of my belongings into the car and handed back my keys and then said goodbye to Waterford, my home of the last 11 years, all without completely falling apart.

Now here I am living in my parents house just far enough out of town for my mobile network to forget I exist. Im living out of a suitcase because I haven't sorted out proper storage for my clothes and trying to remind myself that this is real. This is where I live now. Naturally at 35 I dont intend to live with my parents for long. Im looking for somewhere in kilkenny and hopefully won't be looking too long. Mostly though I'm just trying to keep it all together. Which isn't easy when you're nursing a broken heart.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out....
Read more

How long does it take to learn to drive?

Image
I remember my nieces a year or so back asking me in an incredulous tone how long it takes to learn to drive because for as long as they could remember I had L plates on my car. The answer in my case is four years. Admittedly I probably could have gotten my full licence sooner if I hadn't been so hesitant to do my test in the three years that have passed since my last attempt. I get very anxious during tests or Interviews and so do not perform particularly well at either. I will put that in my list of things I need to work on in the new year. In time since I have learned to drive I feel I have accomplished a lot and yet I will go out of my way to avoid having to parallel park because I feel like its always going to be my Achilles heel. At least I have come a long way from the days when I used to feel anxious about getting into my car and was likely to bunny hop across roundabouts in third gear. The problem with learning to drive is that the older you do the harder it is and...
Read more

Burnout: the sequel

Image
  I am burnt out. Hardly the most shocking declaration given I have been saying it out loud for a while now but here we are. This isn't my first run in with burn out nor will it likely be my last. Not only am I working in a stressful job, a social care worker in residential care, which is no stranger to burn out but also I am autistic so its like I know a secret short cut to getting there. I think as bragging goes this is up there with declaring how many times I have managed to catch covid. Which is 4 at my current count and they say there are no benefits to working in Health care. If you are lucky enough to not have experienced burnout then I can tell you its not an experience I would recommend to a friend. If you have friends working in social care then you probably wont need to.  Some of the things I have been experiencing are random bouts of crying. Given high sensitivity is part of my autism profile, I am no stranger to crying and the first time I experienced burnout it t...
Read more