self destructing in 3, 2, 1 ..

At this current moment in time I am sitting in front of my laptop feeling pretty shitty and my mouth is full of chocolate. funnily enough these two facts are connected in a catch 22 sort of way. In recent months I have learned that chocolate or any sugar makes me feel like a bag of crap in so many ways,  including feeling physically ill and somewhat depressed, but for as long as I can remember chocolate has been my go to when I'm feeling down or stressed or hungry or just because. As you can imagine they feed into each other which leaves me in a difficult position indeed or at least not a very pleasant one. 

 I'll be the first to admit I harbor some self destructive tendencies and I am sure most people do on some level or maybe not but I do feel better in  the belief that this is normal behavior. God forbid I ever do anything but fit in. In the grand scheme of things it is only sugar so it's not as if I am wrestling with a crystal meth habit, occasionally it helps to have a bit of perspective and I am told often I lack that. At this current moment in time, bar my tendency to give myself a hard time, this is actually my worst habit so I am aware that things could be a lot worse and it is not as though I am likely to find myself hooking to support my sugar habit. Well I certainly hope not. But I still find myself angry (at myself and the makers of all things chocolately and my stupid stupid body) and ill and a little bit down but I do have the satisfaction of knowing this was easily preventable. Did I say satisfaction, I meant frustration.

 Tomorrow I swear I'll do better or the next day or at least some day soon and it's time to accept that this moderation crap isn't doing it for me. I need to quit and find a less destructive bad habit to fill this need or else become one of these terrible wholesome people who has no bad habits at all and I can tell people cheerily how I don't miss chocolate at all and really I'd rather eat carrot sticks, yum yum, and think about how I am making the world a better place with my loveliness. I am not sure if my enthusiasm for this plan is coming across because I am totes enthused (as the young people say) . 

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