self destructing in 3, 2, 1 ..

At this current moment in time I am sitting in front of my laptop feeling pretty shitty and my mouth is full of chocolate. funnily enough these two facts are connected in a catch 22 sort of way. In recent months I have learned that chocolate or any sugar makes me feel like a bag of crap in so many ways,  including feeling physically ill and somewhat depressed, but for as long as I can remember chocolate has been my go to when I'm feeling down or stressed or hungry or just because. As you can imagine they feed into each other which leaves me in a difficult position indeed or at least not a very pleasant one. 

 I'll be the first to admit I harbor some self destructive tendencies and I am sure most people do on some level or maybe not but I do feel better in  the belief that this is normal behavior. God forbid I ever do anything but fit in. In the grand scheme of things it is only sugar so it's not as if I am wrestling with a crystal meth habit, occasionally it helps to have a bit of perspective and I am told often I lack that. At this current moment in time, bar my tendency to give myself a hard time, this is actually my worst habit so I am aware that things could be a lot worse and it is not as though I am likely to find myself hooking to support my sugar habit. Well I certainly hope not. But I still find myself angry (at myself and the makers of all things chocolately and my stupid stupid body) and ill and a little bit down but I do have the satisfaction of knowing this was easily preventable. Did I say satisfaction, I meant frustration.

 Tomorrow I swear I'll do better or the next day or at least some day soon and it's time to accept that this moderation crap isn't doing it for me. I need to quit and find a less destructive bad habit to fill this need or else become one of these terrible wholesome people who has no bad habits at all and I can tell people cheerily how I don't miss chocolate at all and really I'd rather eat carrot sticks, yum yum, and think about how I am making the world a better place with my loveliness. I am not sure if my enthusiasm for this plan is coming across because I am totes enthused (as the young people say) . 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out....
Read more

How long does it take to learn to drive?

Image
I remember my nieces a year or so back asking me in an incredulous tone how long it takes to learn to drive because for as long as they could remember I had L plates on my car. The answer in my case is four years. Admittedly I probably could have gotten my full licence sooner if I hadn't been so hesitant to do my test in the three years that have passed since my last attempt. I get very anxious during tests or Interviews and so do not perform particularly well at either. I will put that in my list of things I need to work on in the new year. In time since I have learned to drive I feel I have accomplished a lot and yet I will go out of my way to avoid having to parallel park because I feel like its always going to be my Achilles heel. At least I have come a long way from the days when I used to feel anxious about getting into my car and was likely to bunny hop across roundabouts in third gear. The problem with learning to drive is that the older you do the harder it is and...
Read more

Burnout: the sequel

Image
  I am burnt out. Hardly the most shocking declaration given I have been saying it out loud for a while now but here we are. This isn't my first run in with burn out nor will it likely be my last. Not only am I working in a stressful job, a social care worker in residential care, which is no stranger to burn out but also I am autistic so its like I know a secret short cut to getting there. I think as bragging goes this is up there with declaring how many times I have managed to catch covid. Which is 4 at my current count and they say there are no benefits to working in Health care. If you are lucky enough to not have experienced burnout then I can tell you its not an experience I would recommend to a friend. If you have friends working in social care then you probably wont need to.  Some of the things I have been experiencing are random bouts of crying. Given high sensitivity is part of my autism profile, I am no stranger to crying and the first time I experienced burnout it t...
Read more