Rejection is my great white shark

Lots of people have irrational fears. Like my fear of moths or pigeons both relatively harmless creatures but don't bother telling me my fear is illogical when I'm trapped in a small space with either of them or both eeekk ( Let's not pause to question how exactly one ends up trapped in small space with a pigeon and a moth). I also have more rational fears like rejection. It downright terrifies me and that's normal right? okay well I'm going to tell myself that's normal and in the silence that follows I'll pretend you all are nodding and smiling in various degrees of agreement.

 The trouble with fearing rejection is that it really holds you back in life. Trust me, I've practically written a book on it. The other problem with rejection is that it's almost impossible to avoid or at least those doing a better job than me haven't exactly been forthcoming in sharing their methods ( lousy !). My own almost fail proof technique is in refusing to put myself out there any more than I have to. Yes playing it safe does guarantee a lot less rejection but isn't always the best way to live your life. In truth I have experienced enough of it to let me know that I can dust myself off and keep on going and yet the very thought of it turns my stomach.

When you are friends with someone and suddenly you are not; when the guy you like doesn't like you back, when you get dumped, when you apply for a job or a course and you get one of those awful letters in return or thick, heavy silence and it all adds up to rejection after rejection and it stings every damn time. 

 So I have reached this point in my early thirties where I fear rejection so much that I'd rather someone didn't ever know I liked them than risk being turned down. I'm sure I am missing many opportunities with my play it safe approach because experience tells me smiling and maintaining eye contact for over 30 seconds is not quite the fail safe method of showing interest without making a complete tit of yourself like I'd hoped. 

 Now you may be wondering how I got this far in life without being able to approach a guy and show my interest and the answer to this is simple. One word for you folks, alcohol. In my early teens I discovered I didn't have to be the girl who blushed madly every time a boy I liked so much as looked at me. A few sips of this devils nectar and I could be me only funnier, sexier and more confident and went from thinking if I approach this guy he probably wont be interested and I wont know what to say and the whole thing will be excruciating to thinking of course he's not going to turn me down. If I could only have managed to dredge up a tiny bit of drunk Laura's confidence in my day to day and maybe not so much of the blurt out everything in my head (it gets magnified under the influence ) part and I would be happy as a clam.

 But I wouldn't even know where to start and so I find myself like someone complaining that I've never won the lotto even though I never play but I don't think that's reason enough to return to wine. 

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