So what are you up to these days?

You have to love the awkward pause when I run into someone from college while I'm at work and they ask what I'm up to these days and I just take a breath while they work out I am not serving them on the till for kicks. I was in college in the same city I now live in and it actually happens to me a lot. The first few times I served my favourite college lecturer I was mortified when he looked at me questioningly but said nothing and I just knew he was wondering why I was working in a bookshop when I'd only recently graduated college.

 The truth is I don't know why I'm not working in social care. okay so that's not entirely true. I have a decent enough idea. My best guess would be the fact that I don't think I've applied for a social care job in well over a year. It's funny that you think they would hear about your honors degree and pursue you but apparently that's not how it works in the job market. 
The longer I leave it the harder it will actually be to get work in this area if I decide I want it.

 That's the other thing I'm not really sure I want the work. I'm aware that sounds suspiciously like sour grapes given that I haven't actually been offered a social care job but it isn't, I think. One would like to think given the fact that I did actually work in college ( it wasn't all drinking and recovering from drinking) that I would have given a lot more thought into what I wanted to do when I finished but it was oh so far away so I thought I'd think about it more closer to the time except I didn't and the time came and went and I sat around dithering about what to do next.

 Life got in the way and other things happened and I found myself just grateful to have work and was occasionally dipping in and out of social care sites to see what was available and then promptly talking myself out of applying for any of the positions.

 At this point in time I have so many excuses for why I am not in this line of work and I toss them out at random when I'm asked, they are so over used that I've started to believe most of them but the truth is, it's easier to sit back and say that social care isn't for me than admit I'm not sure what's holding me back. Is it laziness or fear, or perhaps a delightful cocktail of the two. Is it lack of confidence in my own ability to do the work or complacency in my current set of circumstances. If it's not broken then don't fix it except it might be sort of broken and I am paralyzed by my own indecision.

 So maybe in this time 6 months or a year from now I'll have a different answer to that question and it might be social care or perhaps someone really will offer me money to drink wine and look at pinterest. a girl can certainly dream 

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