all the things I should have done

It seems nowadays that every time I pick up a magazine or a book there are frequent mentions of the landmark lists people are looking to tick off before a deadline. Things to do before you die or things to do before you turn 30 or whichever comes sooner.

I don't have such a list. Honestly, I'm not sure that if I'd written one that I'd have gone ahead and done anything on it with any sort of haste so perhaps if I had a things to do before I was 30 list hidden in a drawer it would just be a testament to my own bitter regrets, not that I'm bitter per se. All I have is a vague list of things I'd like to do and haven't done and even though I'm not yet dead yet I'm not sure that I ever will. I don't mean that to sound grim because it's really not supposed to but I have become so accustomed to my finances dictating almost all my decisions that it's hard to imagine a time where I might have more money at my disposal and this list of hopes and dreams may remain forever just a list.

 I would like to travel more. I have never been outside of Europe and I know there's a whole lot of world I've yet to see. Had my experience au-pairing not been so horrible I probably would have gone on to travel from Switzerland but instead I scurried home and never quite followed up on the rest of my plans and suddenly ten years have passed and I am too busy being a grown up to throw caution to the wind. 

 I still at 31 cannot swim. It's shocking or disgraceful or just downright embarrassing especially when my much younger nieces giggle and then tell me how good they are at swimming (thanks guys). I never learned how to swim because I was accidentally dunked under the water when I was quite young and developed a fear of water for a good few years after that. Even now I flit between feeling nervous to feeling awkward when it comes to water and that pretty much kills any hope I have of ever snorkeling or water skiing. Okay so technically I could still water ski but I feel nervous just thinking about it so it's safe to say I probably wont.

 I'd also like to learn a new language and recover my semi fluency in French and learn to dance and actually write something that gets published but I accept there's a good chance that I might not ever do these things.

 There's so many books I want to read but people keep writing new ones and it's just so hard to keep up especially when work keeps inconveniently getting in the way and so does life. 

 And yet it's all in my hands. If I leave a wish list unwritten, If I write one but leave it unchecked then I am choosing to leave a trail of regrets in my wake. I Sit here on my couch thinking about all the things I should have done not acknowledging the things I have achieved or the part I play in determining my own future. 

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