Faking adulthood

I quite often feel like my life is an extended version of thirteen going on thirty and any day now someone is going to stop me and tell me I don't have to pretend any more, I can go back to being a teenager. It feels as though I'm faking adulthood and in reality I have no idea what I'm doing or how I got here. I think if you still find yourself almost have to climb inside your duvet cover to successfully change the sheets then you might be faking it too. Or is that just me? have I just admitted something that makes me look very silly indeed? at this point in my blog there seems to be little point in caring, it doesn't do much to paint me in positive light.

Now I don't know how you're supposed to feel at 31, to be fair to myself it's my first time being in my thirties but I suppose back when I thought this was ancient I thought my life would be about more than trying to look busy so nobody cops that I'm totally lost here. Perhaps with all my changes of address I missed the life newsletter that should have prepared me for this. It feels as though people all around me are buying houses, having kids and getting married and I'm at working playing dress up in a wedding dress.

I'm feeling as though I'm stuck in a mess I call my life and all the while I'm looking to see where the adult is who's going to deal with it but then I catch my reflection and realize, Oh fuck that's me, I'm the adult here (allegedly) It's hard to know if anyone else feels this way because you can't exactly ask people that without seeming a little unhinged and I'd be forced to do a nervous laugh and say I was kidding. At which point the other person would shake their head muttering about my weird sense of humor.

Living alone I'm fairly self sufficient so when I say I don't really feel like an adult I don't mean I am sitting around having ice cream for breakfast and spending the bill money on alcopops. All of my bills get paid on time and my apartment is pretty clean most of the time so It's not like it's all falling apart.
But then I get tired or hungry or eat a little sugar ( back on the wagon I go) and suddenly I am like a whiny child waiting for someone else to sort my life out.

Now maybe this isn't the way to live forever and someday I might feel less like I'm pretending but for now I'm going to go with it. I think responsibility is over rated so I'm probably better off only having to clothe and feed myself. Let other people be adults but me, I'm just faking.

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