Maybe alcohol just isn't for me.

I started drinking at 14 which seems young now but everyone was doing it so it wasn't really that big a deal and I didn't do it to give into peer pressure. In fact by that stage most of my friends had discovered alcohol at least a year before me. At 14 I was shy, actually shy doesn't quite cover it. I was socially inept, unable to make eye contact and known to turn crimson if I saw someone I liked and then one day I discovered alcohol. Said I'd see what all the fuss is about, It tasted vile but hey, presto I'd found instant confidence in a bottle and then I lived happily ever after. Oh no wait, I didn't. Sorry, my bad. 

 Every fiasco, every regret, and every Oh God I didn't ...... did I, started with a drink or two. And 16 years on I still haven't found an alcoholic beverage I like the taste of. I do however like the taste of drunk. The giggles, the easy confidence occasionally bordering on mild cockiness, the complete lack of self consciousness, the improved dancing skills. All of that I like and enjoy and pretty much would like more of but I find from experience it's very easy to tip the balance to hitting on someone who's clearly not interested; or saying that thing you were really not supposed to tell anyone; mysterious bruises; regretful text messages;going home with someone you're not all that attracted to and all because of too much alcohol and too little self esteem.

 And if that wasn't bad enough the hangover that almost kills you. I endured excruciating hangovers for years assuming they were the norm until I really started to talk about it at length with other people and I realized mine were somewhat extreme. I remember when I worked in Chartbusters video shop and I would be so hungover on a Sunday I would spend the first three hours of my shift running back and forth the bathroom getting violently ill. I was about 22 at the time and that was the norm for me. I used to get so sick after drinking that I would end up bursting blood vessels in my forehead and around my eyes and then be left with a delightful purple rash that made it look like I was infected with a plague of some description for days afterwards and this used to happen all the time. And of course there's the days of tiredness followed by the horrible depression. 

 Now I imagine some people will read that and be horrified but there's plenty of others nodding in recognition and saying me too. and that's a large part of the problem here. Our culture is so entwined with drinking that most people don't know how to have a good time without it. Most people's social lives are structured around nights at the pub. There's plenty of jokes about how this is one of the only countries where if you announce you're not drinking then people will assume you're either pregnant or on antibiotics because there's no other logical explanation for it unless you're a recovering alcoholic.
I am none of the above but I am reconsidering my relationship with drink with the same critical eye I used to look at my diet and my overall lifestyle and honestly I don't like what I see. It seems insane to work my ass off in the gym and spend so much time preparing food so I can eat well and healthily and then poison myself with a bottle of wine for the sake of a good night out especially nights out often leave you feeling let down as though you were expecting more and it never delivered. Well, either that or you wake up thinking Oh God, I'm such an idiot I shouldn't be allowed out in public, like ever.

 The trouble is I spent so many years propping myself up socially with alcohol I genuinely don't know how to socialize without it. I was a little better at one stage but after my big break up/ illness/ time in hospital, my confidence has taken a major knock and I'm still working on building it back up again so I sit awkwardly at the edge of a group conversation wishing I felt more comfortable or else downing wine like it's water as I did a few weeks ago and find myself having to leave the pub because it's all gotten too spinny and I had to get sick . There is a perception that people who go out but don't drink are boring and I know it's not always true but I worry that I'll be one of those, yawning off to the side while everyone else has all the fun and all the same I think I've reached the stage where I'm going to have to look at seriously cutting back if not completely cutting out alcohol. Wish me luck, I might be in for some pretty dull times 

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