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Nothing like the year coming to an end to put me in reflection mode. It's become a blogging tradition for me to use this time in December to look back on the year that was and realise how much has changed, some good and some bad, in a mere 12 months. Obviously one of the biggest changes is my relationship of almost four years came to an end. It was a while coming but still quite sad. We left things on good enough terms and the relationship ending was not followed by me being harassed and ending up in hospital from a stress related illness so all being said, it went better than my last break up. I know that's not saying a lot. This was also the catalyst for my other big change for me. After years of making empty threats to leave Waterford city, I finally moved to Kilkenny. I'm living outside the city because that's where I found a house but I have my very own place. There is a slight danger I might become too much of a hermit because I'm really starting to enj...

This New Years Eve marks the three year anniversary of the last time I had a drink. This sounds like a really big deal but it isn't unless you're Irish. I would like to clarify at this point in the blog post that I didn't have an alcohol problem but alcohol had a problem with me. I got tired of the hangovers and the way they only served to exacerbate my anxiety and depression and that feeling that I might actually be dying but it would always turn out to be a severe hangover. Not to mention the regret that followed flashbacks of me doing or saying something that seemed hilarious at the time. To be fair by the time I stopped I was maybe having a few drinks once or twice a month.  Drinking has become so ingrained in Irish culture that many people become uncomfortable when they encounter someone socially who isn't drinking as though this automatically shines a spotlight on their own consumption. I have found the trick for me is to not socialise in bars too frequently ...

It's Christmas eve and I will admit I'm feeling a bit of pre Christmas excitement. I've always anticipated Christmas with a child-like glee so I was pretty gutted last year when I found myself on nights for Christmas weekend and missed the big day entirely. I have had a lot of different jobs in the 17 years since I have left school ( just give me a quick moment while I freak out about how old that makes me feel) and this has meant a lot of different working arrangements around Christmas. It's funny how my attitude towards the holidays has changed over the years. I remember when I worked in AOL being unsure one year if I would get 4 or 5 days off together and being very upset because clearly Christmas was ruined. I laugh about it now having since worked many retail jobs where you work right up to Christmas Eve and then find yourself back at work on the 27th. Obviously I'm now in social care which is a totally different ball game and the people we support dont s...

A lot of people have a relationship they look back on fondly, the one who got away and so on. Well if think this is what this blog is about then prepare yourself with disappointment because I don't have one of those. My most recent break up is more likely to fill me with sadness than trauma when I look back on it but that's not the one that's been haunting me.  Very recently an ex of mine got in contact. Not someone I had thought about in a very long time and to be honest someone I didn't particularly wish to think about. If anything it made me feel quite old because we split about 13 years ago and nothing about the relationship gave me warm fuzzy feelings. He wasn't looking to see me again so it was reassuring to know he hasn't completely lost his head but he had just been through a difficult break up with a woman who hasn't treated him very well and this has made him reflect on how he behaved in previous relationships. I think he felt his uppance ha...

I will admit that when I accepted a last minute invite to a dining in the dark event, I did so with a certain degree of trepidation. I am not exactly known as an adventurous eater. While I have certainly branched out over the last few years I am still a bit funny about food textures and flavours and generally I like to know exactly what I'm eating in case someone tries to sneak in one of the pesky foods I dont like. The other concerns I would have would be around my vegetarianism and gluten intolerance. If I accidentally eat wheat I would become quite sick and this involves one of three things none of which is delightful for my other dining companions as it will either involve me being locked in a bathroom or belching/ farting my way through the remainder of the meal. While eating meat is very unlikely to have same effect I do feel a bit ill thinking about eating it. Normally all of these things coupled with my general dislike of publicly making a fuss  ( by making my food iss...

In the last few months my life has been through many changes and this is hardly a secret to anyone who reads my stuff here or follows me on Snapchat. Admittedly at a first glance it may appear that I am over sharing but in my own way I am really just processing the upheaval in my world and connecting to those around me through a filter of my choosing. I dont mean filter in the photo sense but more that my words are carefully selected to project someone I am trying to be if that even makes sense. Now I will admit readily that it has taken me a long time to over come my self consciousness about small things like eating in public, particularly alone. I have often felt as though I'm being watched and judged at every moment and it has taken me a long time to realise strangers dont care about what I am doing nearly as much as I do. I can now eat lunch or have coffee pretty much anywhere with only half a care in the world with my book or my phone for company. I am nothing if not a wor...

They say you can't pour from an empty cup which is why it's important to take care of yourself. Especially for those of us in caring professions. You can end up giving a lot to your job but if you don't take care of yourself then you will have nothing left to give. Now as someone who cares for others and tends to take far too much of my job home with me I try to particularly mindful of this. Especially as I find the nights (which are thankfully almost over) take even more out of me than caring does. Nights are quite lonely in that you work alone while everyone is asleep and then come home to sleep while the rest of the world is up and about, often feeling to drained to get outside or even manage to string a coherent text message together. This is particularly tough when you live alone like I do now although I didn't get too much minding when I lived with my ex, he somehow expected me to put on my minding hat when I was stuck to the couch whimpering because I was ...

I know my last post was night duty related but seeing as I will be on night duty until Monday morning (when my last shift for the time being finishes) this is my life right now. I will say having done nights I can fully understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I have done 5 nights so far (four more to go) but it feels like a lot more and it is fair to say that nights have kind of taken over my life (for now). The thing about nights is that while the whole staying awake at night part is tough. Especially when you have all the physical work done, everyone is asleep and I am too brain dead to do any paperwork in a coherent fashion. That's the bit where you feel as though you might actually die from tiredness and then surprise yourself time and time again by surviving. Then the morning gets going and the busyness keeps you awake until hometime. So you drive home and fall into bed only to find your mind buzzing and you wait for sleep to come. I once tried a tri...

In case you didn't guess by the blog title, I'm on night duty for the first time since January. This is not my first time doing nights so i knew what to expect and it's fair to say I have been feeling less than enthused about the prospect. I have done enough night shifts in various different settings to know that categorically nights do not suit me. I have always been a bit of a cranky pants without sufficient sleep, anyone who knows me can attest to this. Then the other issue is my body refuses to compensate and allow me the type of catch up sleep I need the next day. I'm pretty sure if i was to land a job of just night shifts id be dead or a hermit within the year.  Anyway I started night duty on Monday night. It is fair to say I was ill equipped for the occasion. I had been up early, unable to grab a much needed nap that afternoon. My mind knew i could do with extra sleep but my body refused to cooperate. I also went to work on one coffee because I was hoping les...

As a grown up making friends is really hard to do. I moved to Kilkenny a short time ago and I still don't know very many people which I know is normal but can still be tough at times. It doesn't help matters that having worked here the last two years, I didn't exactly import a load of friends from Waterford either. Some people make friends very easily but I have not been one of those and mostly I am okay with that. I am not your usual woman and in many ways I am an acquired taste. I don't always make the best first impression but usually over time I grow on people or else they take an instant dislike to me. I am the marmite of people. Over time and as I have gotten older I have grown to accept myself a lot more. I no longer look to change my quirks but accept my uniqueness and hope to befriend others who think its a plus. I'm also very good in my own company which is good because I have been spending a good bit of time in it since moving into my own place her...

As a newly single woman I have made an extra effort to be more sociable and meet new people which goes against everything I believe in. Really all I wanted to do is rediscover the lost art of flirting. Well its been lost to me because I sure as hell got out of practice while in a long term relationship. As I mentioned in an earlier blog post this has mostly happened on the interweb. Naturally this medium has given me the opportunity to interact with any number of perverts and miscreants. Fortunately not everyone I have talked to deserves this label but I have noticed a worrying trend with the normal and somewhat nicer men that haven't been relegated to my blocked list. Naturally when you are getting to know someone you talk about your interests and often a comment on my now slimmer figure leads to me mentioning I crossfit. Despite the fact that majority of men I have spoken to do not weight train themselves, they are only dying to share their wealth of knowledge on the topic. N...

I was having a conversation with my sister the other day about getting stronger. Now I know have had many experiences that have given me emotional strength in their aftermath. As it often happens when you survive something bad you either be beaten by it or grow from it and I am very much of the belief that while we often can't control what happens to us in life, we do have control over how we respond to these events. I have lived an interesting life, much of which I will never care to blog about. There is no doubt that I am stronger in that respect.  However that was not what we were discussing. Even though we have had many a chat about the bigger issues in life and I truly believe that everyone needs at least one person in their life who can get beneath the surface level conversation and talk about the real things. For me that person is my older sister. What we were actually talking about though was the huge progress I had made in the gym over the last six weeks. It's a...

I don't know if you've ever seen the thing online that says I'm not an early bird or a night owl, I'm more of a permanently exhausted pigeon. Well that's me right there. Usually I'm kind of at my best around mid day but after that it all starts to slide.   As you may well be aware, this is the week I started working as a social care worker. It's an exciting but big change for me and I have definitely noticed this week that I am far more exhausted than usual. I know that it's not because the job is more taxing. So far it's been lovely and it feels far more relaxed than where I was based as a health care assistant. I think for me the exhaustion is probably all a mental thing. I'm still figuring out what it means to be a social care worker and I think my brain is in overdrive as I try to work out on a day to day basis whst extra tasks should I be taking on in my role. The other thing for me is that I have noticed, upon reflection, that I ...

So after four years in college and several more years of doing other jobs, I have finally landed my first social care job. For anyone confused because they thought I was already working as a social care worker then allow me a moment to clarify. I have been working as a health care assistant over two years now and then last March I was successful at making my way on to the social care panel ( in the residential facility in which I work). Being on a panel means you will be offered this coveted position at some point in time but you will be waiting. Then in July I got a call offering me a position in a community house and after I weighed everything up I decided to accept. That's when I went back to waiting until two weeks ago when I got word that we had the green light and an opening date. It came around much sooner than I thought and today I finally signed a contract for a permanent social care position. So it's official and they can't take it back now. They are stuck wit...

Even as I type this I know there will a few people who are judging the socks off me for looking for dates in the online arena and the vast majority of them will be smugly dating/married to someone already so them I say shame on you but also read on because you're bound to find parts of this entertaining. I have been single for about two months now which is mad because in some ways I feel as though I have been single forever but it feels very new and fresh at the same time. I had dipped my toe into online dating at other stages of my life with mixed results and a few weeks after my break up I decided it would be worth another shot. It was probably way too soon for me to even be looking but I wanted something to take the sting of out of the break up. I knew even then that I had walked out of a relationship I wouldn't be going back to so I wanted to prepare myself for the reality of dating someone else and also work out how to flirt again as I was seriously out of practice .It...

So I've been living in Kilkenny just under a month now but it's really starting to grow on me. I wasn't exactly a stranger to kilkenny before I moved here so it's fair to say I wasn't immune to its charms but since moving down I've fallen a bit in love with the city.  Now my social life has not exactly been hopping since I got here. I have friends in work and people I make small talk with in the gym but I haven't exactly been out on the town. Don't get me wrong I'm perfectly okay with this.  I'm still really enjoying exploring the city. There are corners I haven't seen and lesser known gems soon to be discovered. I think this particularly exciting for me because after 11 years I found Waterford had lost its lustre for me. I felt as though it had given me everything it had to offer and I wanted so much more.  I felt stuck and hemmed in but here I am embarking on a whole new adventure.  I started off exploring the city streets and soaki...

Ever since I moved to Kilkenny I have noticed that I have a bit of a problem. Admittedly there are worse concerns than mine and this is hardly likely to spark major concern among my friends and family. The problem is this. I seem to have forgotten how to sit still , to do nothing, to relax.  I'm not sure why this is. I have a mountain of books dying to be read, half decent internet and a bed so comfy it begs to be napped on but I  just can't seem to stop going long enough to do any of these things. I will say my new fitbit isn't exactly helping the cause. I'm enjoying watching it record my levels of activity and it prompts me to take more steps than I ever did before.  In work I am constantly moving and once home Im usually too exhausted to do much of anything. I'm falling asleep before I have really had the chance to unwind.  Then my days off come around and you must be thinking surely I will have a lie in, snuggle beneath the covers and read my book but ...

I have always been impatient to get my hands on new gadgets but usually im fairly sensible with my money so I don't go around buying them all the time. When my phone was due an upgrade I wanted the new model immediately and I even contemplated paying silly money to make that happen but common sense prevailed and I got my shiny new phone that little bit later through my contract. I had a similar moment when I moved back in with my parents. I was so desperate to get online that I contemplated spending  €80 on a mobile dongle but the madness passed and I found a corner of their sunroom where I could get online and all was good with the world. The latest whim to overtake me was the desire to own a fitbit. Fitbits have been around for a good while and I have wanted to own one but not been able to justify the cost for quite some time. I have been gradually getting fitter and also using an app on my phone to track my steps but it's not the most accurate as I don't have my phon...

It seems lately I am all about making big changes or perhaps its a coincidence that it's all happening so close together. Just two months ago I was living in Waterford, unhappily ensconced in a long term relationship and driving up to Kilkenny every day bemoaning my commute. I think change was always on the horizon but I was busy burying my head in the sand and telling myself I would work it out later.  Obviously I am sure you all know by now (unless you have the misfortune to have stumbled upon my blog for the first time just to read this post) that my relationship came to an end and I already had a plan in my place before I had even fully picked up the pieces. Possibly the only benefit of having anxiety. So here I am two months on and actually I am doing pretty good. I am finding that living alone is suiting me and I am really glad I managed to find a space of my own away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I like living near the city but I also need to be able ...

(Skinny Bitches not pictured) You know how women often refer to other women in scathing tones. It's a thing, we have all done it. Usually I would use the term Skinny Bitch for anyone fitting into the clothes I hadn't a hope of getting into. For a long time I really wanted to be one of those mysterious women, the ones who don't worry about muffin top or having to do that extremely sexy dance to get their tights to slither their way back up over their belly. Especially when I was eating all the bad foods and preferring stretchy pants that I wore to work over my jeans that felt like they were personally attacking me whenever I sat down. Now I will admit it has taken me quite some time for my mindset to change but I have gradually come around to a new way of thinking. After I was a skinny bitch before and I didn't actually reap any benefits because it was only as I slithered into my size 8 jeans I realised the issue wasn't with my size after all. I had fina...

If are not aware I am now single then clearly this is your first visit to my blog. Welcome, you will find no fashion tips here. Being single obviously has a lot of sides to it. In most ways I am better off especially because the relationship I was in was not happy for either of us so there was no real benefit to hanging on in there. The other thing would be the side benefits I am now 80-90% less anxious than I was over the last few months and the other one would be that the break up gave me the much needed kick up the ass to tackle my crap diet and make me return to the gym. In most ways I am finding life to have improved aside from the gap left from sharing your life with someone but that's not what this post is about. The one thing I have become very aware of in the last few weeks in my aloneness. In a lot of ways this is a really good thing. It gives my little introvert battery all the space it needs to recharge. Obviously I have friends and family so its not like I have ...

Getting your hair cut after a break up is supposed to be one of those quintessential steps that every woman goes through. I dont know why and I am saying that as a woman who has quite recently gone through a break up and now gotten a dramatic hair cut. Well given the fact that I have had some sort of bob in my hair on and off over the last 33 years, its not all that dramatic. (exhibit a, much younger me) I will admit I wasn't really waiting until I felt it was time to take this step. It's not as though I had to get through the crying and adjusting to single life before I could chop off loads of my hair in a fuck you type gesture, not at all. Now I have diligently gone through all the other break up steps by the book. I cried so much during the first few weeks and ate so much junk that I termed the recycling bag (which I filled with various wrappers in this time ) the recycling bag of shame. It did not help that its transparency made my gluttony  all the more ob...

So today I am feeling pretty good. It could all the endorphins from my gym class this morning or it could be the lovely coffee I grabbed on the way home but I am not going to question it and I will just enjoy my little happy wave while it lasts. So as most of you know I set myself a mission to sort myself out post break up. Especially when I looked at my little round face and was horrified, not just by my appearance ( nothing good happens to you when you eat all your feelings) but just how I was living my life in the aftermath of Stephen. I was giving myself permission to treat myself terribly because I felt sad and lonely (only natural post break up) and I decided to stop doing that and to reclaim my life. I am almost a month off sugar and bread which I haven't done for years and I feel so much better without them. I find that sugar just makes my anxiety spike plus it does nothing for my candida. I am not even craving it anymore, my mum ate murphy's ice-cream in my prese...

I know it feels as though I have been talking about this forever but I have finally moved to Kilkenny. Yes its official I am living in my own place just outside the city and I love it. It's been an adjustment mentally for sure but not at all in a bad way. I think the thing is living in my parents place felt like a temporary arrangement. I know obviously it was temporary because it wasn't like I was going to stay there forever and I am pretty sure we would have had words after another month or so if it looked like I wasn't making plans to leave. It felt like in a weird way as though I could go back to Waterford at any time and that myself and Stephen were on a break. The kind of break where you remove all your possessions from the apartment you cohabited in and cut all contact. Not that I was harbouring hopes of getting back with him but at the same time I was scared that once I moved to kilkenny it would hit home hard and the cryfest 2017 would restart. Here's th...