contradiction in terms

This is so me, it's not even funny. Whenever I like someone I get unbelievably awkward and this makes me appear rude and a little more sarcastic than usual (which is more sarcastic than is socially acceptable). Now the good thing about this is that the guy in question generally has no idea whatsoever that I'm interested and that's for the best. I'm not just saying that, I actually mean it because if there's anything I've perfected in the 18 years since I first started noticing boys in that way, It's the art of the highly unsuitable crush. So all around me people my age are doing all sorts of grown up things like buying houses, getting married and having babies and me? well I'm worrying about the fact that I've put up weight and am still attracted to the worst kind of plonkers out there.

 In all I am a contradiction in terms. On one level I complain about the way men objectify women. Breaking it down as though we are just a sum of our more attractive body parts and always leaving me feeling as though I'm coming up short as I struggle to get in shape and tone my wobbly bits but for every pound I lose my boobs get smaller and I feel that bit less attractive, it's like I can't win. Despite feeling all of these things or maybe even because of them, I find myself getting out for a walk in the sun in shorts and a vest top knowing it will get me a certain amount of looks and allowing myself to be objectified in order to feel validated, To feel noticed and In a way it's worse than the times I've done it before because now I'm aware I'm doing it and the motivation behind it. 
Also lately I've been telling myself I'm eating healthily and feeling unhappy about the fact that I'm not getting as toned as I should. In fact I think I've put up a little weight which didn't make sense until It was suggested I start using my fitness pal to monitor my calorie intake again and so I realized I've been eating way over my calorie limit. Mystery solved but at least now I can start to make changes and soon I'll be losing the weight I've gained and getting toned again but there's a small bit of me that just wants to curl up and eat chocolate things until I can't feel any sad anymore.

 Like I said, I'm a contradiction in terms. 

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