nice girls finish last

Sometimes it feels like the more work I put in the weaker I get and it makes me want to cry with frustration but usually I don't and this is good. I'm not sure whether or not crying in the gym would be more or less embarrassing than the time I quite dramatically fell off a box but I don't think I want to find out.

 My problem is this. I am a lazy bee, this is true and I don't know where my motivation goes but it sure goes somewhere so when I am home unless I am given specific workouts to do I often find myself sitting around the apartment looking pretty (or more often not looking that pretty slouched across the couch   eating or reading) and not really doing anything that active (does baking count as being active?no, how about eating things I've baked?) unless I've been specifically assigned a workout. Now I've been crossfitting long enough that I actually know enough exercises to give myself a varied work out but the big problem is that I won't actually stick to workout out plans I come up with myself. I have real difficulty holding myself accountable when no one else is watching. So generally what happens is this. I'm working for a few days in a row so I can't get to the gym so I might do one or two workouts at home that have been set for me and then just think about doing more but never actually follow through and then I get a few days off and go to the gym and push myself until I physically can't give anymore and frustration kicks in because by this stage I am tired and stressed out and my brain decides now is a good time to shut down, to stop learning and I collapse in the corner of the gym in a pool of my own sweat. 

 This morning I was the last person to finish the workout we were doing but to be fair it was really tough and some people were actually doing a scaled down version of it. But as bad as I felt about being the last one off in corner doing thrusters when everyone else was sitting down and recovering, I did feel kind of awesome to finish it. Luckily for me I am not overly competitive, except with myself. I am constantly pushing myself to be faster and stronger than I was the day before, the week before, the month before and in that sense I am getting better. Even if it often feels as though I'm getting worse. 
Every day is a challenge and sometimes the challenging part is getting my lazy ass out of bed in time for work or not eating all the cookies in a sugar frenzy. Sometimes the challenge is one more rep or to finish that workout, finish it despite the muscle pains and sweaty hands, despite the sunburn and the t shirt that chaffes it. It doesn't matter if I finished first or last (I never finish first) it's finishing at all that counts. 

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