where's my motivation? oh that's right I ate it.

Okay so maybe I didn't eat my motivation. |The last four mornings in a row I've managed to do some pretty tough workouts, my sister set me, at 7am so clearly Im not turning into a couch potato. But I am finding I am constantly hungry now maybe some of it is cravings and not actual hunger. Does that actually matter if I'm unable to tell the difference, Surely it feels the same.

I'm Just finding it hard going, I think about food from the minute I wake up telling myself to just get through the workout and I can have breakfast soon. I started eating porridge for breakfast but was still hungry. I added some dried fruit and chopped nuts to it, still hungry. I am now having porridge with fruit and nuts plus a protein shake and two hard boiled eggs for breakfast and yet about an hour later I'm hungry again.
I've done the same with my coffee break snack, trying to make it more filling so I'm not fantasizing about lunch for a solid hour before it happens and nothing seems to be working which leads me to believe that maybe I'm the problem and not the food. But if that's the case then how do I fix me or do I just come to terms with the fact that I am destined to feel perpetually hungry and just try resist all the cravings using will power alone. Somehow I dont see that going well, I am not renowned for my willpower.

Since I cut out sugar and spelt (all wheat is bad wheat when you're intolerant), I've been feeling a lot better. I'm not eating take-away and I've only had alcohol once in the new year so really you'd think I'm doing quite well but I'm not sure. I worry I've replaced the really bad stuff with mostly good for me but kind of bad (in the way anything that's not a vegetable is kind of bad) for me foods like the coconut slices which I had to not make for a week or so as I couldn't resist the overwhelming urge to eat them much too fast. Or the protein bars which have a lot of almond butter and are a little too tasty and maybe just plain old almond butter which is disappearing from my cupboards much too fast. So it's like instead of going on a run I'm actually stuck on a treadmill, It feels the same but I don't actually go anywhere.

Every month I weigh myself to measure progress and according to the chemists weighing machine
I have put on about 3 kg in the last month. It also said I've shrunk 4 inches in height so it might not be the most reliable but I think it might be correct in that despite all the exercise and all the bad stuff I've thrown out Im not actually getting skinnier.My first thought was that I wanted to treat myself to something nice to cheer myself up and  I felt so very bummed out after this that when I was in Tesco's this evening I found myself purposely steering myself away from places like the Easter egg aisle as I was feeling like I was in the sort of humor whereby it wouldn't be too surprising if a stray Easter egg found its way into my trolley. I think it just feels like if you make a big sacrifice and constantly say no when everyone else is stuffing their faces then surely you should be rewarded accordingly or else why bother.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The darker side of romance

Image
  For some reason I felt compelled to write about a corner of my past that hasn't been part of my blog before. a heads up to anyone who might be upset by this topic I will be delving into emotional abuse so feel free to stop reading now if you don't feel able to carry on. When I was in my late 20's I met a guy on a night out. He was a few years younger than me and honestly looking back threw up a couple of red flags early but I didn't trust my own intuition plus I was only a few months away from finishing college and planned to move to Edinburgh in a few months so it wasn't like it was going to be anything more than a brief fling. However as time went on I became more infatuated with him, there was an intensity there and he seemed sweet but damaged. Like a perfect modern fairytale I thought I would be the one to fix him. somehow plans changed and he was going to follow me over to Edinburgh, get a job there and we were going to live happily ever after. at this point
Read more

Help, I think I'm autistic

Image
 So I, at the age of 41, have come to the realization that I am autistic.  Growing up I always had a feeling something about me was a little bit off. I never quite fit in and I wasn't sure why. It was like everyone had been given a book of rules of how to exist in society but no one had thought to hand me a copy. Looking back with hindsight the signs were there. I was a super sensitive kid, a sensitivity I have not lost in adulthood, I cried very easily and felt every emotion very deeply. I was a picky eater and very particular about the textures of different food. I was very sensitive to light and noise and the feel of different fabrics. I was never a hugger. all of these things are as true about me now as they were when I was younger. I am socially awkward, I don't make friends that easily and will joke I am an acquired taste. Eye contact is something I have to actively work on and small talk feels like torture.  I thrive on alone time, I am incredibly sensitive to the moods
Read more

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out ..

Image
I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm sarcastic. Often that I'm too sarcastic (as though there could be such a thing) and I have retort up my sleeve for such occasions which is if you think I'm sarcastic you should meet my mother. No, really you should because my sarcasm is but a pale imitation of hers. Every so often though I come out without something that makes my friends or other family members pause because sometimes when I open my mouth, my mother comes out.  It's funny how people always take the words you are turning into your mother as such an insult because the reality of the matter is it's a both a good and bad thing. Obviously there are certain qualities I am perfectly happy to emulate and others not so much and on the whole I am not entirely sure how much control I have over it. It's not quite a pick and mix counter here. I think there are some habits you are not even aware you have picked up until someone else kindly points it out.
Read more