Relationships...

*written about a year ago after I'd gained some perspective


Relationships ... Are all about compromise or so they tell me. I can't speak for the norm as I'm not sure I've ever experienced it. I'm drawn towards the damaged that I never seem to fix but I'm
Certain I become more broken each time I try. Relationships are supposed to be a good thing, not a suffocation of me until I become the nothing he tells me I am. Looking back I can only feel an aching sadness, a loss of him but mostly my self respect. Wishing I'd had more of it and the ability to run far far away screaming I am not nothing. I am not a stupid whore
, even if he doesn't say those exact words I can hear him thinking them, judging me and stripping me of all dignity.

I feel sad because I am unable to look back and see happy times. I can only feel the creeping anxiety of my time with him, watching what I said lest I accidentally say something which upsets him. Is it not ok that I had a life before him? I took risks and occasionally misbehaved and did a million different things that wouldn't bother a normal guy and I felt exhausted trying to fit me inside all his crazy. Trying to be this person that doesn't exist and trying to guess what the right thing to say is because when I forget, an argument starts. I'm wrong, I'm always wrong even when I'm not and I should know better, apologising endlessly when I'm not sure what I'm supposed to have done wrong. And all the worrying, feeling as Though I loved him but at the same time I hated him and that I couldn't be without him but I couldn't stay.

Is this top too revealing? The only way to find out was to ask and risk incensing him. He would reply of course it's too revealing and clearly I was doing this on purpose to provoke an argument. What can you say when you're with Some who is unable to see the gaping holes in their own logic. I didn't want to be left feeling like an imposter in the house we shared. Sitting in the oppressive silence of our bedroom alone to 'give him space'.
I felt exhausted and thought love should not be this hard and felt caught in a relationship that constrained me and made me bottle up all my happy. Too much time spent saying nothing but all the while in my head I'm screaming I am not your possession, I'm my own person and I should be loved for who I am and not who you think I should be. I might have stayed there forever fantasising about the day I could leave without regret but one day he said I don't think this is working and then sat back waiting for me to cry, to beg for another chance, to see me crawl and promise what ever parts of me I had left. Instead I packed and left and never regretted leaving.

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