Not tonight, I'm too tired
Lately I've been feeling the kind of tired where it just feels like I'm wading through glue.
Life has been taking on a sort of misty quality and I count down days until my next day off until I've drifted through another month unnoticed. I'm not sure this type of living is bringing me any closer to where I want to be but then again it would help if I actually had a clue where I wanted to be in the first place.
I'm starting to feel sort of aimless and I'm well aware for many this is not a concern, I know a lot of people who are content to
keep doing what they are doing as it pays the bills or gives them something to appreciate when they are not there, a contrast to make free time feel more precious but I am unable to just go with it and instead find myself plagued with a gnawing sense that I should be doing something else with my life and Im not getting what I need from my current job. Sure it has perks for a bookaholic like
me but unfortunately they are not enough to keep there forever and sometimes when Im working but bored out of my head I feel as though it's someone shaking me saying 'what the hell are you doing Laura, you planned better things than a job you sort of like in a city you don't really want to live in'.
But I feel tired, oh so tired. Part exhaustion from work and diet changes but also mental drainage, all this dealing with customers all day long makes me want to switch off and disappear into a book when I walk out the shop doors.
It's like there aren't enough hours to do the things I want to do and the things I should be doing so I choose a sort of hodge podge
approach where nothing really gets completed and all I have is the bitterness of unnamed dis-satisfaction to keep me company.
I read a bit here and prepare tomorrows lunch and then have dinner and maybe watch something. I start to think about if I should write something for my blog yet or
should I start trying to sort my life out, the blog wins out and my life goes on to feel like a ball of twine that's become so inconceivably knotted
that I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's hard to start looking for answers when you haven't even decided what the question is.
Maybe I'm just self agonizing when It's not called for but I feel its the impending thirties that is bringing about this fear
of my directionless life. Yes I'm already 30 so really I should be over this already but i cant help feeling that now that Im less
than a week from being in my 'thirties' that I really need to get my shit together. Im supposed to be an adult, It seems wrong when I say it because I dont feel very adult and I sure as hell dont act it. I cant help feeling like Im a teenager masquerading a proper grown up and any day now someone is going to blow my cover but until then
Im tired, my eyes drooping in half promised sleep so righting the wrongs and planning for future will have to be another days work.
Life has been taking on a sort of misty quality and I count down days until my next day off until I've drifted through another month unnoticed. I'm not sure this type of living is bringing me any closer to where I want to be but then again it would help if I actually had a clue where I wanted to be in the first place.
I'm starting to feel sort of aimless and I'm well aware for many this is not a concern, I know a lot of people who are content to
keep doing what they are doing as it pays the bills or gives them something to appreciate when they are not there, a contrast to make free time feel more precious but I am unable to just go with it and instead find myself plagued with a gnawing sense that I should be doing something else with my life and Im not getting what I need from my current job. Sure it has perks for a bookaholic like
me but unfortunately they are not enough to keep there forever and sometimes when Im working but bored out of my head I feel as though it's someone shaking me saying 'what the hell are you doing Laura, you planned better things than a job you sort of like in a city you don't really want to live in'.
But I feel tired, oh so tired. Part exhaustion from work and diet changes but also mental drainage, all this dealing with customers all day long makes me want to switch off and disappear into a book when I walk out the shop doors.
It's like there aren't enough hours to do the things I want to do and the things I should be doing so I choose a sort of hodge podge
approach where nothing really gets completed and all I have is the bitterness of unnamed dis-satisfaction to keep me company.
I read a bit here and prepare tomorrows lunch and then have dinner and maybe watch something. I start to think about if I should write something for my blog yet or
should I start trying to sort my life out, the blog wins out and my life goes on to feel like a ball of twine that's become so inconceivably knotted
that I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's hard to start looking for answers when you haven't even decided what the question is.
Maybe I'm just self agonizing when It's not called for but I feel its the impending thirties that is bringing about this fear
of my directionless life. Yes I'm already 30 so really I should be over this already but i cant help feeling that now that Im less
than a week from being in my 'thirties' that I really need to get my shit together. Im supposed to be an adult, It seems wrong when I say it because I dont feel very adult and I sure as hell dont act it. I cant help feeling like Im a teenager masquerading a proper grown up and any day now someone is going to blow my cover but until then
Im tired, my eyes drooping in half promised sleep so righting the wrongs and planning for future will have to be another days work.
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