I remember

I remember

I remember what it feels like to empty myself out and start all over again
how it feels to be the only person in the world,
staring into blackness, only my thoughts for company
little solace do they bring

I remember why I've grown to hate my own company

my consciousness goes on like a bickering sister 

in the recesses of my mind
berating me and dragging me
further and further inside myself

I remember what its like to hate the night-time
the endless, bottomless night
where everything slows down
and I get to pull sadness over me like a
battered college duvet,
keeping me warm into the small hours

the long hours, the dark hours
I remember what its like to not be able to forget
to let go,
to move on,
to be constantly beating myself with the same tired stick
of low self esteem
it gets old as i do
and I yawn as tears restrict my breathing.

I remember and wish i did not